Fat, Forty AND a FAG!!!

BUTT Sir, You are an A@#%*hole

2007-05-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I posted anything on this Blog. (Long Story, coming Later). Was writing some but tended to be pretty dull and depressing stuff so either I deleted it or just saved it as a draft (hopefully never to be published)

Today though I got up feeling Good. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and no it is not a train coming to mow me down (not this time).

Spent the last few months doing pretty much nothing. No Shopping trips, No Sunday morning matinees, No Saturday night Martinis, NOTHING.

Watched a lot of TV in the interim. and picked up a line from the Serial Crumbs, which I thought so perfectly described the last few months and could just as appropriately be the Title of this chapter of my Biography - From Hell to Well.

Realised that when you challenge the Gods they will exact revenge. Got to see the pits of Hell and trust me, they ain't pretty.

Anyway this is a Happy post and so no more talk of hell. It's the start of a brand new week and the end of my purgatory. I'm ready to move on.

A friend recently mentioned that he had managed to loose weight by going on a diet with one very simple rule.

STOP EATING!

(Honest!! I kid you not)

I can never see myself willingly going anywhere close to that, BUT...

What! you thought there would not be a BUT?

Darling there is ALWAYS a BUT! (And in my case a pretty BIG BUTT).

But any way, enough talk about Buts (at least for the moment (There is a HUGE MAIL exclusively devoted to my BUT, but that is later))

So ass I was saying before I was rudely interrupted (by me) I have been told to go an a completely liquid diet for a week starting today.

And already the withdrawal symptoms are being felt. All of a sudden I am fixated on a bunch of old songs that refuse to go out of my mind.

Here's a sampler of the stuff that's swirling around in my Soya milk infested brain.

I'm gonna wash that FAT right out of my name, I'm gonna wash that crap right out of my face, and send it on its way.

And this one which somehow I feel is going to be my new caller tune (for reasons that may not yet be clear to all the readers of the blog, but as I said await the Butt mail)

REUNITED and it feels SOOO Good.

More next week once after I get back home

My Name is Viraf

2007-02-06T05:21:00.000-08:00

And I am Going to Go to HELL!

Personally I have never been too curious about my name. I know that the proper Baawa name is ArdaViraf and is somehow linked to the scriptures as a Holy and Pious man was enough for me.

I mean it was the perfect choice for me right? - RIGHT!

On a lazy Tuesday evening ans since I have been getting calls from people asking me why I have abandoned this blog I decided to do a bit of research and what I came up with is startling and upsetting.

AV (Hello I said it is a Lazy Tuesday so don't expect me to give that whole ArdaViraf crap all the time OK!) it seems was a Persian The most pious of his tribe who was sent by his people to Journey the Heavens (and Hell as it seems) and bring back a report on what lay in store for us in the after-life.

These guys were smart, you have to give it to them. None of that Tower of Babel thing for them. These guys were going to get to Heaven using Zoromail (which has subsequently been taken over by and merged with Duetsche Post).

He obviously saw the Heavens and Hell and the land of Purgatory, and it happens the guides (angels and high ups in the Celestial hierarchy) explained why each of the groups were living their time out in the manner they were.

Will not bore you with the whole litany of who gets what let me just give you a translation of the important part.

CHAPTER 19.

I came to a place, and I saw the soul of a man, through the fundament of which soul, as it were a snake, like a beam, went in, and came forth out of the mouth; and many other snakes ever seized all the limbs.

And I inquired of Srosh the pious, and Adar the angel, thus: 'What sin was committed by this body, whose soul suffers so severe a punishment?'

Srosh the pious, and Adar the angel, said thus: 'This is the soul of that wicked man, who, in the world, committed sodomy, and allowed a man to come on his body; now the soul suffers so severe a punishment.'

The Story of my life. I take a long all expense paid First Class trip across the Celestial rainbow and the first guy I come across in Hell is

ME!

Yeah, I'm depressed, how did you guess?

2007-01-18T01:38:00.000-08:00

It's times like this when I start wondering if with my receding hairline I am also losing my ability to comprehend English.

Tons of trees have gotten (I know that is not a word but then it should be) felled this week talking about Ms. Shetty. When the Prime Ministers and Senior Cabinet ministers of one and a half countries, take time off to talk about a dumb third rate startlet on an even dumber reality show you know you have arrived.

What amazes me is the whole hype in India about how the "Thinking" media in the west is on the side of our dear Sister Shilpa.

Specifically they refer to an article in the Guardian by the "renowned" Aussie Women's right advocate and feminist Germaine Greer who everybody 'claims has come out strongly in her favour.

I chanced upon the article and that is what made me doubt my grades in English 101. The way I read it I got the distinct impression the Ms. Geer was keeping herself one syllable short of calling Ms. Shetty a manipulative little witch who is ready to push all the buttons that are needed to win the show.

Reading about her latest little "Lage Raho Munnabai" act only reinforces my firm belief that rather than being distraught by all the abuse Ms. Shetty seems to be setting herself up to be the triumphant little starlet who will do whatever it takes to win.

I wish we could give Rahul and the Boys in Blue a shot of what she is having. They desperately need it.

Even though she may not have emerged victorious and though she may not yet even be aware of it Ms. Shetty has already won one great battle right here in India.

Considering how with such ease and style our little Karate Kid has chopped Ms. Rai and my ex off the front pages of all the papers.

Short of a sudden break-off in the engagement (Hey, I can think positive, happy thoughts you know, and besides he has done it once before already) there is little that can get her the headlines right now

There was so much that I could have done...

2007-01-08T00:25:00.000-08:00

But...

I so totally love the Sea. For someone who can not swim and probably never will manage to get it right, I tend to be a bit surprised at how much I love getting on to the water.

So when J mentioned that he was going to go to Elephanta to check out the facilities for a GB outing there, I pretty much insisted that I go with him. So what if I had been there just a couple of weeks back. Who knows I may never get a chance again.

The weather is amazing right now. Sunday was a perfect Bombay Winter morning and I could not wait to get out onto the "sea".

Like the Rajasthani couple and the bunch of Haryanvi boys (one of whom had the audacity to call me Uncle) I was as thrilled to step on board and stare out into the blue (dark grey with a tinge of toxic green) waters.

Did the absolutely touristy thing and took the toy train from the jetty to the base of the hill. At one point I wondered whether the 2 x 2 concept worked out here as well.

Managed to see the Caves and the statues this time (had missed that when I had gone on the Hash Run last month).

Got back late in the afternoon and just about managed to make it in time for the meeting in Dadar. Nothing illicit or even mildly salacious, but with 21st March looming large on the horizon the meeting to finalize the programme and the pre-event competitions are already starting. Listing out possible sponsors and seeing how we can entice them into shelling out some hefty sums for the Fund Raiser were high on last evenings agenda.

Which is why I ended up empty handed for Dinner last night. We have this 'once every couple of weeks' absolutely mad Game sessions with a few of the guys I knew from school and a bunch of others from the colony that I am getting to know well only now.

Balderdash is normally the first game on the agenda. More than all that I studied for my TOEFL, have I learnt by playing this game. For instance does anyone who has not played the game know what a shaganappi is or for that matter what or who a mumblecrust is? Crazy Stupid and loads of fun.

Normally the set ritual is that I bring the dessert, but since the plans were made only on Saturday night and I was out all of Sunday I went there with only my appetite. Next weekend is at my place - already I am checking out the whole menu. A Chicken and Pasta Salad, A Roast and a Fresh Strawberry Dessert are waiting to be made.

Got home close to 11 and realised that I had still to finish the press-release for the Dog Show. So sat and did that off.

And oh yes at some point when I came home to change I was channel surfing and managed to grab a few moments of one of my favourite movies. The Subject was Roses. Martin Sheen stunning as ever.

Need to check the schedules out for the repeat telecast. Reliving the Sterling Matinee habit is such an absolute delight.

Making a commitment to causes other than your own personal gratification. At some point you realise that you need to do something for others in order to make your own life complete.

I promise that I will...

2007-01-02T01:45:00.000-08:00

Since in any case most of the resolutions I make will be broken by the end of the week I have taken extra care to decide on some really nice ones.

I mean it really matters little whether I resolve to do 30 minutes of cardio or at least an hour. Promising to do an hour sounds a lot more sincerere though.

I have also decided that I shall make at least thirty two such resolutions so that even if I break only one of them a day I will still be keeping at least one of them at the end of January.

So here goes.

In the year 2007 I resolve that I shall.

Make it a point to do at least an hour of cardio every day and at least 90 minutes on the cardio days.

Ensure that I do not drink anything but unsweetened fresh lime soda when I go out for dinner

And I shall not go out dinner binging more than once a week and when I do shall restrict myself to soup salads and something grilled without cream sauces.

I shall not make any desserts that include whipped cream or condensed milk or chocolate or butter.

I promise that I shall have only 2 pegs of vodka in a week and that too without any Orange juice or Cola.

I will make it a point to stop having all those tetra pack juices and shall religiously have fresh fruits (preferably papaya and grapefruit) every day.

I shall stop being a pseud and shall make it a point to attend at least one gb party every month and stop complaining about the Himesh and Beedi songs that is played at these wonderful fun events.

I shall make a concerted effort to stop considering random sex as a normal and healthy way of life.

I shall also use all my people skills. so as to not piss off all those who try to keep contact with me.

I shall make every effort to try and see the other persons point of view and not try to physically shove my opinions into their heads.

I will make an effort to see at least one Ekta Kapoor serial (or any Hindi serial for that matter) on a regular basis so that I am not complete lost when people start discussing them.

(Corollary to above) I shall try and find out on which channel the Hindi shows air and tune the television to those.

I shall try and give Shahrukh Khan a chance to show the world what he can do with KBC.

I shall not wish death and the plague upon Ms. Aishwarya Rai.

I will make sure that I observe all traffic rules when I drive and make sure that I get through this year without any new scratch or dent on the car.

I will try and be nice to people and not assume that most of them are a waste of oxygen.

I will recognise the rights of children to fly on planes and also to cry when they want to draw attention to themselves.

I shall not condemn as incompetent parents that can not ensure their kids are only seen and never heard.

I shall make an effort to make at least fifteen more of these resolutions by the fifteenth of this month so that I can have a few that I will be holding on to at the end of January.

(One for the road). This year at the dog show I shall not make a complete ass of myself and learn beforehand to differentiate between a Labrador and a German shepherd.

As the year comes to an end...

2006-12-29T00:19:00.000-08:00

...it is time to tally all your assets and liabilities.

Assets.

My Voice.

I have often had people ask me if I work in the 0-900 speciality service industry. Unfortunately the sex-talk industry has never considered outsourcing to India so that is one job offer that is not likely to come to me.

People living in the building would however attest to the fact that when I do loose my cool over the phone the volume goes higher and the language goes way south (actually isn't that EXACTLY what the guys want?).

Radio - That's where I should have been. I am actually not quite sure if all the people who have recommended that as a job option were complimenting me on my voice that could shatter fine crystal or politely telling me that my visuals could smash toughened Television picture tubes.

My People Skills.

Stop sniggering you bitches, I do have people skills. Name me even one person who has met me and can not instantly recollect me even five years after the first meeting. And yes so what if most of the impressions are negative. Hey how many of you can ever make such a claim.

Nerd, Asshole, Pompous, Aloof, Crazy Asshole, Snob, Duh, Asshole, Weird, Freak, Fu#$^g Asshole, Naradmuni, Bitch, Crazy Fu#$^g Asshole.

Is there anyone who can lay claim to even half those attributes. And I have not even started on the wonderful terms that they use to describe me when they talk in Hindi.

The best that most of you guys could probably get is "NICE" Bland, boring, boy next door kind of "Nice". Why would anybody in their right mind ever want to be called that when there are so many better terms out there.

My Amazing Body Structure.

Yeah you heard that right! My body is an exquisite cocktail of the best that Hollywood and Bollywood have to offer.

I have the height of Danny deVito.
I have chest that Pamella and Sush paid good money to buy for themselves
I have the hairline of an adolescent Yul Bryner.
I have the waistline of the later day Marlon Brano
I have the dress sense of Aishwarya in Cannes.
I have the fluid dance floor rhythm of Borat

Yeah Baby, I've got it all.

On the Debit Side lets see...,

Right on top of that list would have to be my friends. Shit these guys are the pits. And if you do not believe me just take a look at the comments on the previous post. All those nasty rude comments are from regular readers.

Seriously were it not for the kindness of strangers I would be an abused wreck. (I would also be largely celibate but let us not even go there).

That being said, would I have it any other way (and we are not talking kinky sex here okay). I guess not. If I were to loose all of my assets (the above listed only only, Gawd does everything have to be about sex to you) I could live with that.

The Debit side. That is precious. No one touches that!

Why I cant not write the good writing

2006-12-19T19:35:00.000-08:00

Sat through a rehersal of Snow White yesterday evening.

With the show scheduled for Friday and since I am helping out with the slides and stuff there was no way I could get out of this one.

Of course the elves (ranging from 7 - 10 years) looked absolutely adorable. But the scene stealer in the whole play had to be the evil Step-mother Queen.

All of eleven or twelve she carried herself with an attitude that came on stage a couple of minutes before she did and lingered on well after she had left the scene.

Couldn't help thinking "Badi hoke Bitch Banegee"

Also made me wonder why in most fiction the Role of the Bad guy is always far better moulded and certainly a lot more powerful than that of the nice guy.

Joan Collins in Dynasty, Gabbar Singh in Sholay, A in Dhoom 2, Shylock in the Merchant of Venice.

Makes you wonder - Are all successful script writers members of the Original "D" Gang out to promote the whole concept of "Bad is Coool"

Also made me realise why all my attempts to write fiction never quite worked out. The purity of my soul and my good nature made me unfit for the role of a writer of Good drama.

Sometimes I think I am too good for my own good.

Still Life?

2006-12-19T00:38:00.000-08:00

On a day when the market seems to be killing a lot of people a short note about Death, and a pet fetish of mine - The paintings of the Original Dr Death.

Actually have been wanting to write about Dr. Kevorkian ever since I heard about the fact that he was due for parole some time soon. Never got around to it so rather than waste my time trying to make sense of where this correction will end here I am - Finally.

Assisted suicide has always been something that I felt very strongly about and I always felt that while sentencing Dr K for taking the lives of his patients may have been valid in Law, I often wonder if Justice was served by that ruling.

New to the Net at that time I had altavista'd (google was still a faint gleam in its developers eyes at that time) Kevorkian and come across a very unusual facet of his life.

His paintings!

The one that absolutely held my attention was one titled Very Still Life.

An absolutely amazing painting, it works at so many levels.

Does it represent a unconventional but Traditional Still Life painting where the human skull and bones replace the more mundane vase and fruit bowl.

Or is the message far deeper with the solitary flower representing life that still springs forth from a Dead and inanimate set of human life leftovers.

I have always seen this as a very positive image despite its initial weirdness, to the point where I had used this image as the background screen on my cell phone (much to the annoyance of my mom who thought it was absolutely nauseating).

The only time that she ever objected more stridently to my crazy ideas was when she realised that I had used this image as an e-card for New Year (Y2K).

I am not too fond of art, but if ever I did decide to get me a painting for my house it would have to be this one (Hint Hint My Birthday comes up in May there is still time for you guys to go out and bid and buy the painting for me).

Here is a link to some more of his stuff

When I fall in love..

2006-12-05T02:26:00.000-08:00

Very early this morning I received this SMS.

"After criticising the ipod conceptually n calling it an elitist toy for the suburban brand whores ! Viraf has finally bought one!"

OK a bit of it is true.

True the original ipods were definitely the status symbols of the Brand whores (my term I admit) of Bandra (I refuse to tar all suburbanites with the same brush).

And I did have very valid reasons for that.

It was

Too Bulky,

had that Stupid little Dial in front,

Impractical to use in the gym

and a screen that was too small for video and irrelevant for audio.

And oh yes you HAD to use the clunky old i-tunes interface.

So for a very long time I stood valiantly against the tide and used a host of other MP3 players (the last two being integrated into my phone. (Sony Ericsson's and NOT a junk Nokia).

Then I saw the first images of the new shuffle.

And I fell in love.

Smaller than a matchbox, simple to operate, sensible storage space (I refuse to believe that you EVER need to carry 20 GB of music for your personal use.

In the interim I had also managed to find a decent site that allowed me download legal music for 9 cents irrespective of where in the world I live (something that Apple still does not do)

The new shuffle still had some serious competition from the new Sony Walkman. Exercise meter, calorie counter jerk advance mechanism a whole lot of little bits and bobs that made it the ideal accessory for use in the gym (which is the only place that I do use the thing).

The problem was that when I got to Heera Panna yesterday they had the Sony Cigar only in Sindhi Shiny Silver. Instant elimination!

The other reason for selecting the new shuffle was the clear realisation that no Brand Slave Bandraite would ever be seen dead in something so inconspicuous (and dull grey) which is "so badly designed "that when you clip it on the LOGO gets HIDDEN!" (How stupid is that!!)

So as of yesterday evening I carry about 200 randomly selected songs from my computer library and regale all the guys at the gym with a stunning rendition of stuff like "Let me entertain you" (the Softcell version), "White Wedding", selections from Rent and the original version of "Let's Dance" (NOT the crappy remix from Page 3).

Performances start at 7 pm on weekdays at the Inch by Inch gym (those guys should pay me for the publicity) with a special matinee on Sundays at 10 in the morning.

Who knows, if I really see that you are interested in exploring my talent I may even invite you for a command private performance in the sauna later.

Mismatched couples and more...

2006-11-23T22:10:00.000-08:00

At the time of the release of Umrao Jaan there was this nasty rumour about them announcing a wedding date for early 2007.

Timed with the release of Dhoom suddenly there is all that talk about how they got secretly married.

I wonder what cheap trick they have lined up for the release of Guru.

Hopefully there will be talk of how they have split up and sworn to never work with each other again.

The Mahajan saga continues. Spoilt rich brat, turns drug junkie, turns kinky boyfriend, turns wife bashing fiend. All this within the space of less than six months.

There are times when I wonder if this is not some macabre reality show that is being aired on prime time news channels.

Went to the gym in the morning today for a meet up with the dietitian. Saw a whole different side of the Matunga Grounds.

In the evenings it is a desolate open area randomly doted with a few young kids from the nearby colleges, chilling out before they head home.

This morning it was a maze of overlapping cricket pitches overrun by guys in white. The ages varied from 10 - 60.

Makes me wonder should not the younger ones be in school and should not the older ones be heading off to work.

Makes me also wonder if perhaps a team selected from these guys would represent our company better tan the prima-donnas currently taking their vacation in South Africa.

Time Pass...

2006-11-21T21:58:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time, I know.

It's that time of the year when suddenly my social calender takes a backseat to my social conscience.

Zo Child day again! Which means rehearsals every evening.

Two positives this year though:-

No nephews Navjote to prepare for.
My new Gym is closer to home - so there is a much shorter commute time.

And of course the biggest plus. This time round I will be only involved backstage. (Oops! That should be a negative right?)

As usual I am the voice of the Almighty. I kind of like the idea of a Queer God. It makes all that quirky behaviour suddenly fall into place.

And truth to be told have you ever seen a more flamboyant Drama Queen than THE BIG GUY IN THE SKY.

Managed to see the new Bond Movie last week. Was nice BUT...a very unsettling experience. Especially the part where I had to eat my words about Daniel Craig as Bond.

This is not a pretty boy Bond. This is a very gritty rough (and tough) guy to the point where even his shirt off he looks Handsome and not SEXY.

While this may work for some people obviously it seems to have got a huge thumbs down from the Yankee audiences who preferred to see a movie about Dancing Penguins instead.

Speaking of Box office hits I can not wait to see Borat. I wonder though if that movie will ever get released here considering how overly sensitive we tend to be to maintaining Good relations with all other countries.

I get this nasty feeling that Borat will be the Pink Panther of the Now Generation.

...but my heart belongs to Dalli

2006-11-05T22:16:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a long time, but judging by that fact that I have not yet seen any Helloooo, anyone home (OK if he is dead I am taking his laptop) kind of stuff I am just going to assume that nobody Loves me

*BooHoo and all that!*

Anyways spent a rollicking week with the nephew. Saw a whole lot of stupid movies. (The downside of going to a multiplex he suddenly realised that he wanted to see that one, and that one and Garfield 2 also).

Screwed up my ankle on my way back from my trip to the Sunday Matinee at the Inox (yeah so I am kanjoos - Deal with it). So was pretty much grounded for about two weeks.

No Gym,
No Hash Run,
No Nothing.

Only cyber thing was happening for me for all the days and most of the nights.

On the bright side I think I may have inadvertently stumbled on a way to avoid getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

Anyway, I digress. On the gym front I scandalised a whole bunch of guys by shifting from my regular hunting grounds in Chembur to...

...

*balls if you think I am not going to milk this for all it's worth*

...

MATUNGA!!!!!

Yes you heard that right. It's MATUNGA. Five minutes away from home There's this new Inch by Inch branch that's opened up and gave it a try last week. Will probably change over to this place once my time runs out at the old place.

Had gone to Delhi for a Shaadi last week. Every time I go there I find that it has improved.

Somebody needs to tell that Bad Actor ka loony Baap that instead of trying to target for Shanghai and New York they should set a slightly more modest target for where to take Bombay - New Delhi.

Somewhere along the line the guys seem to have their wires crossed and so instead of Shanghai we seem to be on a fast-track to Sangli.

Delhi Shaadis. While certainly not as decadent as the Haryanvi shaadis that Allygator Lover talked about, at the GB meet yesterday, are certainly more opulent that the staid Baawa Mumbai dos.

Had a great time and I am glad to report that all my limbs (including the sprained leg) functioned well.

*gives a shy cat ate the cream look*

Friday in Delhi was interesting. There is this PVR Multiplex close to the Hotel I was staying at and I am happy to report that First day, First Show tickets tickets to the Sautaens Magnum Bloopus were available for the asking.

It's refreshing to know that people still retain the ability to recognise class from crap. Which might also explain why the other movie showing there (and running into its third week) was Jaan-e-man and not the Duplicate Don (CT are you listening...)

I only hope that the stupid cow now recognises that she is not destined to have a successful "anything" with my luverboy and leaves him alone.

She can try all those stunts to change her kundali but they will not work. (hasn't the woman seen Premrog?)

As a parting gift please take that stupid headband though. It was embarrassing seeing him sitting there at the Delhi university with that stupid contraption while Daddy Darling got his Doctari certifikat.

Dr. Amitabh...

Abhishekh Doctor...

somehow it feels just right!!!

The results are in...

2006-10-23T04:03:00.000-07:00

In the Battle of Who will win the sweepstakes in Bollywood this Diwali I have it on good authority that the winner is Jaan-e-man.

The Don can go into his little corner and do his usual stuff.

The nephew has come down for his holidays again and given the choice of which movie he wanted to see The Salman Akshay starer was a hands down favourite.

When asked why he had no desire to see The Sharukh magnum opus I was given a clear idea of how the stars rate with their fans. "Sharukh toh as usual roose picture ma".

From the mouth of babes as they say...

I'm not sure if this is a coincidence but once more with the nephew staying with me I am getting those marginally jittery signals from the market. So once more I have taken sit back and relax positions for the next few days and am spending time with him.

Against strident opinions (from my "Friends" - that is what reallllly hurts) that insist that this is just another excuse for me to be lazy, I still do not feel that I am getting any major positive signals to get in right now.

While they may be a few stray stock specific movers, I am sure that next week (maybe) we will have a far clearer signal as to where this market is headed.

Missed the non-Himesh GB party over the weekend. I just hope that it was well attended enough for the Journo-Activist (I love that term for him) to have again. Hopefully they will do something along these lines for New Years eve as well.

Driving down to Pune on Friday evening was perhaps the worst expressway experience I have ever had in my life. Half or more of the city seems to have chosen that precise time to leave the city as well. As a result, a trip that normally takes me a little over two hours took close to four. It took me nearly 30 minutes at the Vashi Toll Naka.

Which makes me wonder - once they shift the Booth to the edge of the Bridge how are they going to cope with such a rush situation. Can you imagine traffic stalled from one end of the Bridge to the other. Not a pleasant thought and somehow I get the feeling a thought that has completely slipped the minds of the bureaucrats that decided this new Booth location.

Driving down University Road in Pune was sheer nostalgia. Suddenly all those years of driving down Mohamed Ali Road while the flyover was being built can sharply to mind. The chaos, the road rage, the frustrations,mmmm.... I'm luvin it!

Was listening to the sis and some of her other Bombay friends crib about the coming "Wedding Season". Already they were talking about how they were tired as hell of all these functions. It's times like these that make me glad that I have lived so many years of my life as a non-resident (aka anti-social) colonyite.

My simple rule in life is "The less Baawaas you know the better off you are".

PS...

2006-10-02T02:01:00.000-07:00

There was this twenty something guy yesterday who was paranoid that I would make rude and nasty comments about him in my blog post on yesterdays meet.

Darling you can relax. Looking at you yesterday, I realised that you were already way down in the dumps and I have always been considerate enough not to kick in the ass anyone who is already on the ground writhing in agony.

Seeing you with that stupid cap trying to pass off as a cheap clone of Himeshbhai (allegedly to cover up a bad hair day) in a bid to gain popularity and recognition I realised that you were already very close to the edge and even a stray comment from me could have sent you hurtling off the second floor balcony.

My car was parked right below, and the Insurance guys have made it very clear that they will not take on any more accident repairs on it for the rest of the year.

Please let me know once you are feeling better so that I may resume being my normal bitchy self again without significant risk to limb or property. (not necessarily in that order).

Blowing off... STEAM

2006-10-02T01:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a learning experience for me.

And NO! This is not a story about how to make dahi kadhi and an instant dahi dessert. (Whats with this obsession with dahi anyway??)

This is about facing the reality that in this enlightened age we are still subject to exploitation and abuse.

Thrown in my face was the harsh reality that the Casting Couch exists and not only in upper end Bollywood movies (where a certain superstars refusal to put out for the director resulted in him getting cast in the role of a depressed looser in a recent Blockbuster).

The fact that I did not put out for this small time documentary ‘film maker’ (a euphemism for one man and his video-cam) resulted in my being filmed in a manner and fashion that reinforced what my detractors have been saying for all these years – Basically that I have a face and style best suited for radio.

I can so empathise with my father-in-law today when he realises that there are no relevant roles for mature actors and most of the screen time gets hogged by a bunch of pretty young faces with questionable talent and morality that would make a buccaneer blush.

And when I requested the Director in question for a reshoot my earnest appeal was met with a derisive laugh and a comment that I should be glad that I did not have to suffer the fate of a certain Chief ministers son whose complete performance in the same Blockbuster was snipped and left on the floor of the editing room because he refused to perform “as the director wanted him to”.

Anyway enough about my sad tale of woe, and lets talk about this mans “Labour of Love” (what an appropriate term).

Even though it is a documentary it manages to pack in all the essentials of mainstream Hindi cinema – the clash of the classes, lavish outdoor locales, drama, intrigue, the now de rigueur use of profane language, an item number (which obviously got cut off by the censors even though it was referred to by the actors). And oh yes a stellar performance by the ageing evil villain and his sidekick.

Though wrapped up in all that masaala one fact stood out and perhaps yesterdays meet was a validation of that undeniable truth.

Gay Bombay is relevant and important in the development of the queer community in this city.

Yes, it may not be a registered group, and it is not obsessed with AIDS and other health and wellness issues,

Yes, it may be focussed exclusively on an Upper middle class (elitist?) segment of the community which is more comfortable with English than Hindi.

With due apologies to all of those who see these as negatives, I believe, more firmly than ever before, that GB serves its purpose by creating a space where a bunch of guys can get together and chill without having to apologise, TO ANYONE, for who they are and what their lifestyle choices are.

Who I chose to socialise with and the norms that I impose on my chosen safe space are a part of the choices I make and to impose any condition on these is to restrict my personal freedom.

As long as I do NOT demean or abuse any other segment of the queer community I am free to choose to celebrate my sexuality with a restricted segment of the community WITHOUT having to apologise for my actions.

I make the choice of whether I wish to attend the Humsafar meetings or the GB meeting and nobody has the right to condemn me for the choice I make in much the same way as I expect to be free to choose the GB events that I wish to participate in.

For me, I am as disinclined to go for the GB parties (where 99.9 % percent of the music is Bollywood and worse) or even the speed dating events as I was for the Humsafar Friday meets (when they did exist).

Nobody has the right to judge me based on these issues.

Nobody has the right to question my commitment to being a part of the community (even if it be to a small restricted segment of it) based on the choices I make.

If I chose to stand apart from Bobby Darling that is my choice and I will not have someone, ANYONE, imply that I have let down the community or the “Cause” because I Choose to do so.

In much the same way as I would say this to the homophobic multitude out there let me also be very clear that this also goes out to that “Gay Activist” minority who believe that I need to live my life by their rules.

I’m HERE,

I’m QUEER,

DEAL WITH IT.

So what do the bi's get?

2006-09-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

I always knew that these straight people led dull and BOOOORING lives.

Look at the recent news. Dull boring middle level Government bureaucrat gets lured by a unimpressive geek American female.

The Honey Trap

In the Rainbow land the guys would at least have some variety.

At the very least the guy would have a choice between being caught in a

Bear Trap

or a Twinkie Wrap

However if this were one of those pay for view adult sites these would be your options.

I always knew they were "different"

2006-09-26T03:37:00.000-07:00

"Mahesh Bhupathi has moved on in life, but admits that Leander Paes and he made a great mixed doubles team."

I swear this is what he is supposed to have said, and here is the link

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/2023137.cms

Daddy Dadi same only no?

2006-09-22T02:21:00.000-07:00

First of all I am going to strangle that Parmesh for writting all those nasty things about me, implying that I am old enough to be his aunty andall.

Somehow I still have not been able to get that nasty image of a dowdy old dadi out of my mind and it was in that mode that I saw Viks recent blog post and decided to reply to it.

The reply unfortunately took on a life of its own (especially after The Baby entered the dream)and so I decided i might as well kill two birds with one stone.

Tandori Chicken # 1 Post a reply to Viks mail.
Roast Turkey with Honey Mustard Sauce # 2 Direct some traffic to my blog (I'm nasty that way - Yeah Yeah Yeah OK I'm nasty EVERY way! Kaleja thanda, satisfied...)

So here goes (If you have STILL not read Viks post THIS is the link)

Kids these days! Wat to say?

Making jok about dead babis andall.

Arae Beta whyfour your saing such such bad things about babis. Wunday when you have baba and babi of your ownself then you will see how much nice and pritti thes ares.

Please to be changing your bad mind and saying nice nice stories only.

You not be seeing Munnabhai new picture. See how nice Sanju baba becums after seing Gandhi andall.

You also must be seeing Gandhi all time then you will also become gud like him.

I am be wishing on you all gud only. Also nice preti little girl for wife (Also please to be taking down that abhisake bachhan poster from your bedroom).

He is also bad bad boy you no. He is be saing he liking to be icon for all thos pasnybois.

(OK I have absolutely no idea what this is doing here but then dahlings when the boy steps in reason takes a hike)

His mummy pappa be getting sad no? Mummy crying andall that day saying wait you be be cuming back and we going straight for another Siddhi Vinayak puja. First of all you going for that third grade loose woman (and mangalik also). She be not satisfied with eating Salman and that vivek boy now she want to be eating my nice simple son also. Totally in her mouth she taking him and no hichki also she getting.

And now when mummy, dadi be saying no to that dancebar type woman he is going from bed to verse and going after all those bobby darling types. Hai I am to being so sad for Jaya didi. She should be like Hema didis mother only. Go with her baccha for all shotting andalll. Then only will he be stopping all this lafda and nonsence.

I am telling Jaya didi that let him be cuming and staying with me for sumtime. I be making him stright like me only. Enything wrong he making or saying I will toh take his pants only down and be giving him one tight one on his backside only. Then he is be crying mummi mummi and going down on his nees and I be telling him see nottyboi you be turning into nice gud boi or i be hitting you with Basantis whip also.

I am also be wishing all my readers also a very happy navratri. May you be playing with your stick on every night of these nine nights of fun and joy and may you find true love grabbing your dandiya in his hands and leading you off the floor.

That's me in the corner...

2006-09-06T23:04:00.000-07:00

The nephew is in town. With parents in tow. Going with them to Udvada over the weekend.

Yeah you heard that right!

I am off for my annual religious pilgrimage.

Over the years I have realized that while I may not believe in "religion" per se I still have no problems with taking this annual trip. (Perhaps the detour on the way back when I manage to restock my bar with cheap Daman booze may have something to do with it).

While the parents were around they made it a point every year to take this trip and at-least once a year make a trip to a whole bunch of the agiarys in the city.

This is a tradition that was started by my grand-mother after she first moved to Bombay. She would do this trip with about 14 stops by BEST Bus taking the kids along with her.

Atheist though I am, I still take time off to carry on this tradition. Not by bus though! I tend to zip through on a Sunday morning in the car and finish off within 3 hours.

Stepping out of the Flora Fountain Agiary at 8 am on a Sunday morning on to a deserted D. N. Road you begin to question the absence of a god when you suddenly realize that the calm tranquility of the inner chambers of the Agiary have magically permeated beyond the walls of that forbidden fortress.

Someday I would love to do this thing in the traditional way, by bus (or if I can muster the energy levels on foot).

The computer is still behaving like a bitch. All of a sudden the printer refuses to work and all the "Classic" Horses and all the "Lenovo" Men have not been able to put this Humpty Dumpty together again.

They are now talking of taking such drastic action as "Hard-drive Replacement Surgery". I am more scared right now than when I was in hospital.

I am so looking forward to Dashera this year so that I can "phoodo a narial" at the machine and make all the evil demons that have infested it go away.

School Boy Lust

2006-09-06T01:36:00.000-07:00

Some of the guys that know me would be aware of this insane feeling that I have for School and College Boys.

OK! before any of you get your CKs in to a twist and start screaming the "P" word let me tell you my fascination is for movies that features them.

The last week-end (and carrying on through till yesterday) has been like pure heaven for me.

Sunday morning while skimming around I realized that they were showing Finding Forrestor. A highly under-rated Sean Connery movie but an absolute delight to watch even for the nth time.

And as a special Bonus later in the evening was Billy Elliot.

Which is when it suddenly struck me that I had this school/college fetish.

If I were to list my absolutely favourite movies (not in any particular order though) they would most definitely include.

Billy Elliiot (way at the top)
Mr. Hollands Opus
Good Will Hunting
Finding Forestor
Fame
Dead Poets Society (which they screened yesterday)

I actually saw Dead Poets Society for the first time after I had seen the SRK mangled version of the same. It is amazing how badly they had screwed it up. Truth to be told even the presence of Daddy-in-law could not salvage that movie.

BTW I finally gave up on deferring the format change of the blog-page and have decided to opt for the standard templates offered by the guys at Google.

Am still going to keep on trying to create that fantastic design I have in mind but I realise that at this point the black background turns me off as well. Someday my masterpiece will be seen.

Till then have fun.

Bahanaa No. 3

2006-08-22T22:04:00.000-07:00

If all of that were not enough last week I suddenly realised that the other love of my life (my computer) had obviously been a slut and fucked around with undesirables.

For someone who has always been paranoid about keeping my virus check active and up-to-date I still have absolutely no idea how over 40 files on my Back-up drive suddenly got infected and wrecked havoc on my machine.

On the negative side I ended up losing my archived trading data (which is in the process of being replaced) and the Beta version of the New Office programme. After using it for only a week I had become addicted to that programme and for the life of me I am unable to get the damn thing again.

Lost my nalla trading software as well. And have absolutely no contact to get another copy of that. Resorted to a bit of retail therapy to get me out of the ditch on this one.

Finally took the plunge and decided to go and buy the Trading Software that I have been itching to pick up for the last year or so.

Online Order Booking. It is so convenient. Even your credit card does not have to go through the trauma of being swiped.

And in any case by doing this I have ticked of one my item in my "Things to do this year" list.

Considering how close we are to the end of the year I am really have to pull up my socks to get these things done before 31/12.

The other plus side - over the last month I think I have collected enough Bonus points on the card to pick up shit-loads of stuff

Excuse No. 2

2006-08-22T22:02:00.000-07:00

Another reason was of course the fact that my car were in for accident repairs - AGAIN! Yes, yes, yes I know, I got sucked into the middle of a six car pile up and the bonnet took the brunt.

Losing my personal mobility depresses me. And add to that the fact that the guys at Hyundai seem to be always out of stock on spares for the Elantra so they need to co-ordinate with Chennai and get the stuff in before I can get my wheels back.

I hate that! I have the option of driving around with the family step-child (a decade old Maruti 800) and that just shoves me deeper into gloom.

Breaking the silence

2006-08-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

There have been a whole lot of comments wondering what was happening with this blog.

God knows there were times when even I logged on to the site to see if perhaps miraculously something may have changed.

No I am not dead. So all of you Bastards that celebrated last Tuesday as a "Very Special" Independence Day - Get Real! I'm alive and screaming.

Actually it's the screaming and ranting that was a dampener for a good while. So often I would start to write about this and that and would see that more and more I was writing a very disgruntled blog about Politics and Politicians.

And while I may have extremely strong political opinions It was never my intention to make this blog solely about that.

To do that would have meant that those incompetent ass-holes had won. And I would hate to have to admit that.

So rather than blog my rants I chose to delete the drafts.

That explains the silence.

At least to an extent!

To all the Peaceniks...

2006-07-13T23:43:00.000-07:00

This one is dedicated to Shabana.

Madam has decided that the way for this city to move ahead is to hold a Silent Candlelight march from Kaifi Azmi Park to the Gandhi Statue at Juhu Beach for "peace and compassion for the victims of the Bomb Blast"

The victims of the Blast are all dead or injured. There is no way the march can restore any sense of peace to them.

So please stop the Bullshit.

Actually No. Go ahead and go through that stupid sham publicity stunt of yours. Better now than a few years from now when you will probably want to march in favour of showing compassion and charity and to stop the public hanging (the ONLY suitable punishment) of the bastards who perpetuated this crime.

Daddy darling and an irrelevant old man may be your ideals. They are not mine.

For me I think I look for guidance to Zizou.

Smash down the sleaze-balls who have been doing this to us for so long. So what if the referee gives you a red card. At least you know you have done the RIGHT THING.

I think people need to read his recent statements and then decide which way they want to go.

"Yes. They were very hard words. You hear them once and you try to move away. But then you hear them twice, and then a third time... I am a man and some words are harder to hear than actions.

I can't regret it because if I do it would be like admitting that he was right to say all that. And above all, it was not right.

There was provocation, and it was very serious, that is all. My action was inexcusable but you have to punish the real culprit, and the real culprit is the one who provoked it. Voila."

It sickens me to hear and read all the crap about the resilience and spirit of Bombay.

Most of the media guys seem to be so screwed up they can not distinguish "resilience" from "resignation".

If Bombay was back on its feet within 24 hours it was only because they have come to realise that things are not going to change.

Wake up Bombay. It is NOT a good thing to be labelled as the Serial Blast Capital of the World.

We have been labelled the Rudest city in the World lets live up to that reputation and show the Bastards who abuse us that we are NO LONGER WILLING TO BE SUBMISSIVE.

Let us take those bottles of water and fill them with Petrol and throw them on the next Schmuk who tries to hurt us.

Most important.

LET'S STOP SEEING OURSELVES AS VICTIMS.

Long Term Relationships - My mantra for happiness

2006-07-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

Those who know me will be well aware of the fact that for nearly a decade now I have been a loyal and faithful lover with a single minded devotion to just the One.

Whoa!!!! Will you guys please stop screaming and screeching all at the same time?

What! Did I even imply that my commitment was to a guy? Huh!! Answer me that!!!

Have I not always been loyal to Sony Ericsson all my adult life?

From the very first day that he walked in with that cheesy "One black coffee" line I have fallen head over heels for that sexy green and silver yin-yang of his. (Get your mind out of the gutter you sluts I was not talking about THAT!).

Through thick and thin, including a very flashy (and gaudy) orange backlight and sides phase I have never so much as looked at any other model.

To be honest there have been times when my commitment has been severely tested.

When the brazen nympos at Nokia started doing those contortions and twists and turns like a limber East European gymnast I could not but stare and wish that my staid little partner would be as agile.

When the desperate whores at O2 started the whole "touchy feely thing" I merely gazed with glazed eyes but went back to my one true love.

It got progressively worse when they offered to carry a dowry of "Windows Mobile Edition". But no I stayed committed.

So is it a wonder that last week I went and bought the new M600. Sleek sexy, slim, and with the "caress my HUGE thing (display you a@@##holes)" brashness?

And from that day one I have not had a moments rest. Not in a good sense let me tell you.

With SE the one thing you could be sure of is that they would not put a half baked product on the market. Or so I believed. But the 600 was a cranky little bitch.

Randomly it would crib that it did not have enough battery power or memory, and just turn off and go to sleep. What was worse was that it often just decided to restart sometimes in the middle of a call.

The service centres that I took it to stared at it like it was an alien. Sure I love to by my phones the moment they release them but that is no excuse for the so called "Authorised Service Centres" to be unaware of its existence.

Finally I decided to search the net for salvation and sure enough I found that they had released a new version of the Operating system.

To download the damn thing though I had to connect the unit to my computer and "press and hold the C button".

This they want you to do on an instrument that does not have the conventional keypad and with over 20 keys (and a jog dial to add to the mayhem) has no "C" key.

It took frantic calls to the service centre in Jhumri Talaiya to get the info on what they meant.

New software downloaded the bitch finally started behaving the obliging little vixen that I have been used to.

I guess all that they say about true love, commitment and faithfulness to "The One" must be true.

Now if only I could find it in me to have similar feeling for guys, my life would be perfect.

How long will the madness continue

2006-07-03T23:56:00.000-07:00

About a hundred people died in the struggle to win a separate
Maharashtra out of Bombay.

How many lives will have to be sacrificed to carve a
free Bombay from Maharashtra.

If I rub it really hard will Magic Happen?

2006-06-26T11:05:00.000-07:00

I am not well respected in my neighbourhood. (with statements like the one above did you have any doubts?)

Let's list the reasons.

I am not married.

At 40 I sold off the family business and started 'playing (How I hate that term) the stock market' from Home.

I tend to come home at weird hours of the night. And let's not even get into the matter of the odd hours that I leave the house at.

For the last few years I have been taking part in the Annual Colony Festival of Spring taking on the craziest roles on stage. I have at different times played the role of a fag Arab, a Bhappi Lahiri look alike, a lisping Baawa Gossipmonger.

An absolute cross-section of the rainbow - I am that talented and I think some of the lesser mortals of the colony are jealous of the fact.

I won a fancy dress competition in the colony where I dressed up as a Sumo in a Sumo. Part of the routine involved driving around the colony perched on the bonnet with only a very loosely tied sari covering the essentials.

I have also done such "unmanly" things as taking part in and winning prizes in Cookery competitions.

I do such "blasphemous" things as bang up my car. The guys in my lane take bets on how many new dents I pick up every month.

I have brought shame to the colony by such treasonable acts as joining a Club and a Gym in Chembur rather than the crappy jokes that try to pass themselves off as Gyms in the Colony. (When will they ever realise that one squeaky treadmill and twenty dumbbells do NOT a Gym make)

Once every couple of months I tend to have a party with loud guests and late night revelry.

Yesterday however I think I outdid myself. Nothing that I have every done in the past could ever have prepared them for the First Bombay Hash House Harriers run from a residence in the Colony.

Most of the early morning walkers at 5 Gardens were shocked to see me out there at 6:30 in the morning. This is the time that they normally see me threatening to mow them down as they leisurely walk and I am driving off to the club for my swimming.

So when I start walking along with them they know that things are NOT OK.

As if to validate their apprehensions I pull out a roll of blue ribbon and start tying bits of it on the gates and lamp-posts all over the place.

At 10 mayhem strikes. Ketki, who if she was not SOOOO!! much older than me, would be a perfect Fag-Hag, comes and takes over the boot of my car as her temporary registration desk. In less than 20 minutes there is mayhem spread by a whole bunch of vocally and visually loud maniacs raring to escape. Which they do after a blast of the Hash Horn by someone who suddenly realised it feels great to blow hard on someone's trumpet. (Straight people are SO ignorant about these things). On a Sunday Morning, when most of them have been up half the night watching Football - that was Cruel. (and I loved it!!)

For the next hour or so most of the Dadar Matunga area was unsafe for all normal Human Life. Taken over by alien creatures running in search of the elusive blue ribbon and giving out the exuberant victory cry on locating it, ultimately they all ended up on the terrace where the noisy party continued.

Good Beer, Great Biryani, Amazingly cute little boys fresh on ice and a bunch of people who know how to let their hair down and go wild for a day.

What more could I have asked for?

I could have asked for neighbours who do not complain and more importantly neighbours that do NOT JUDGE.

But then I realised that I have already run out of my wishes from the genie so I guess I will have to live with the bunch I have. Look at it this way – They now have one more solid piece of evidence to prove that I am crazy.

If my idiosyncrasies can brighten up their grey lives I will consider my work on this Earth well done.

Balls of Bile

2006-06-23T05:34:00.000-07:00

The working title of this mail was "With Malice towards all" But I realized that nothing that the Old Surd wrote ever was so vicious and evil.

So here goes and I hope that nobody decides to take me to court for this one.

I keep thinking about this young man, who was supposed to immerse his fathers' ashes in the Brahmaputra but unfortunately had to be admitted to hospital on that very day. While over the last month we have ended up being bombarded with every minute detail of what is going on in his life one thing seems to have been missed by most of the news channels.

What happened to Daddies ashes?

A very nasty thought has entered my mind. Could the reluctance of the Delhi Police to specify the quantum and purity of the material collected from the Safdarjang Road residence have something to do with the fact that they may be checking the WRONG white powder?

One only had to look at the kind of goggles that both Big B father and son were wearing at the IIFA awards recently to realize that these were certainly not the ones bought for 2.4 lacs. They made me feel all nostalgic as I thought back on the days when you could buy those dark glasses from the phoggawalla for a couple of bucks at Chowpatty or Juhu Beach.

Have you noticed that both Baby and Rahul have suddenly gone for that clean shaven look. I for one am not complaining. I hate stubble rubbing against my lips.

Talking of the Baby have you noticed in the recent car ad with so many hot bods around, (of both genders) our boy has a short chubby little guy giving him company on the ride to Goa. And if that were not enough, he changes the schedule of the vacation at the whims and fancies of someone "who looks just like me". Plus he has always claimed to be a childhood buddy of Karan J and we all know hat HE looked like as a kid. I guess there is hope for me- Be still my heart.

Daddy (Sasurji) on the other hand seems to have graduated to wearing only high neck shirts these days. The think bigger think smarter ad for his good friend Anil has him in a Polo-neck that completely covers his neck. This at a time when just a few days back there was this article (in the Times I think) about how the Neck is the giveaway for a whole bunch of guys who have done cosmetic stuff to their faces.

I know I put this out as an SMS to some of the guys who check the blog so pres fast forward on this one.

Rakesh Roshan had this badly dressed, freaky looking dummy with Superpowers as the Star of his previous film. Is it not odd that he repeats the same formula in his new movie.

Even before the movie has been released Krish has been labeled a Super Hit and all the stakeholders on this project have already signed on to support the making of a sequel. I guess leading the bandwagon of supporters would be the Garment Industry and the Plastics guys who have been making a killing selling Krish T-shirts, masks, pencil boxes, mug, plates a Roubik cube, dart boards and of course Dolls.

Got into a major argument with the nephew over this. While we were both agreed on buying the t-shirt, he wanted to buy the dart set while I wanted to get the Roubik cube. Call me a spoil-sport (I know most of you do that in any case so it's not going to make me feel depressed.) but I have a problem with giving a bunch of high energy 7 and 8 years olds stuff with sharp points that they can throw at random.

By the way I noticed that they had the design of the Dart board all wrong. Correct me if I am wrong but I feel that the High Score would have to come to the guy who manages to shoot his spear into Hritik's open mouth. The other option for a Bulls Eye would have to be getting him in the ass. Oddly enough the guys who designed this toy did NOT think so. I am sure a better designed board (and a more anatomically correct Life Size Krish Doll) would have allowed the merchandisers to target a whole new segment of the fan market.

With both of them launching new projects in all four corners of the country the Ambani Bhaiaas seem to have given a whole new twist to the term "Divide and Rule".

Bombay is going to get a Metro Rail system. Even before the plan can get off the ground (or under the ground in this case) there is hope that this project will greatly improve the economy. All the Lawyers and Environmentalists are clapping their hands with glee at the prospect of a whole new bunch of PILS and agitations that they will be able to launch to delay, and disrupt this new plan.

Continuing with the Tycoons, Mittal needs to take some pointers from a certain "High Flying Industrialist" on how to go about handling competition. Offer an absurdly high amount to buy out the Company, Sign the MOU, take control of senior management, run the company into the Ground and then walk off leaving a useless shell, complaining that the company is not worth all that much money.

It is stuff like this that they did not teach you at IIM.

Now that all this filth I out of my system I can go to the gym and get myself weighed. I'm sure I'll be a whole lot lighter today.

Breakfast at Manis

2006-06-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

Ok this may not be as great as the movie but this morning was (at least for me) something that demanded more than my regular Soya Milk Smoothie.

Managed to get from home to the Club in under 7 minutes which is a pretty good record.

Got in along with the cute (and waaaayyyyy too young for me) guy who headed up to the gym while I made my way to the Pool.

Which is nice since he could stare down at my cute butt while doing his cardio. The heavy breathing and profuse sweating would happen even with the treadmill off.

Had the pool all to myself (yippeeee). And the water was divine. Just the right temperature and what made the experience even better was the way it caressed by newly shaven head.

Believe me, there is nothing that feels as good as a bald head cutting through a sheet of silken water. I mean nothing that you can do in the swimming pool of a club that you have paid a tidy sum of money to get into. (Money that will probably not be refunded if they catch you doing anything in the pool that could be more pleasurable).

Did my usual 45 minutes showered and since it was still not 7:30 decided to take the Highway rather than the lousy Imax Road back. Morning driving is such bliss one foot on the accelerator is all that it takes to get from A to B in no time at all. The other two pedals are pretty redundant.

Adding to the total bliss was my newly burnt Softcell CD doing its bit on the car stereo. (with Go Gone the radio is redundant again). Over two decades after I first heard the album their Non-stop Erotic Cabaret can still seriously satisfy the ears in a manner that few other artistes can.

Great Swim, fantastic drive, being serenaded by Mark Almond, there was no way I was coming back to a breakfast of Soya milk with 2 peach halves and a teaspoon of low cal marmalade.

Which explains the detour to Manis. Listening (even though I tried hard not to) to one bunch of old codgers debating the market (Rakesh is finished, The FIIs have ruined the country, There is a huge scam here...) while another bunch was working out the schedule for the Senior Citizens Clubs scheduled Monsoon outing to Karnala.

I guess with college admissions still not complete the boys have still not descended to take their seat at the tables.

That would have seriously been icing on the chocolate truffle cake of this morning. (and lets not forget a dollop of cream and a ripe cherry to finish off the session)

Answer me that.

2006-06-13T02:42:00.000-07:00

Log into any five random gay forums and you are bound to find at least one of them hotly debating the married gays issue. (Not the good and wholesome man-man bonding one but the sham fake man-woman ones).

Most of the married guys crib about the fact that opposition to their nuptials arise out of a perverse sense of bi-phobia that they claim exists amongst most gay men. Somehow, they imply we feel threatened by the Completeness of their life.

Pati, Patni and Boyfriend

They never seem to realise that the opposition is not to the fact that they are bi-sexual (which itself is very often debateable) but to the fact that they use this as an excuse for adultery.

It is pretty much a waste of time to try and tell them that using the sham excuse of bi-sexuality to justify a gay lover on the side is about as valid as using the excuse of being a hot and horny nymphomaniac to justify having a go at the secretary in the office.

The second argument is "I am making this sacrifice for my family's sake". Which really does not fit in with the first excuse, since, if they were truly bi-sexual a marriage with a woman would NOT be a sacrifice.

And then of-course there is the third justification. Society expects it from us. What can one say to that but laud your social consciousness.

Over the last weekend however I realised that it is not just fags who tend to disapprove of this threes company concept.

Spent Saturday in Pune since the sis needed a bartender to help out with a party she was throwing. Plus the nephew was cribbing about the fact that some of the new game sites he had logged in to from Bombay were not working on his machine at home. After all that he had done for me when he was down in Bombay I owed him.

Since Friday night was spent doing the Cabaret at the Club (see Wilds comments to previous post) I got there only late afternoon on Saturday and had not met the guys till they came in for dinner. The usual bunch. Pretty much a cross section of regular Indian Guys, (and some wives) from different parts of the country.

New to the group was this young man, the married son of one of Bro-in-laws dealers, who had recently joined the company. Interesting face, nice body but saddled with a "friend" from Bombay. The Friend was someone you would very typically find on a Saturday night at Voodoos. Intruiging, to say the least.

I decided that it was not the time or the place for me to make any comments about this. Nor point out how odd it was that "with me in college" friend was about 5 - 7 years his junior.

I realised that I need not have bothered since obviously almost everybody out there had noticed something was weird and were making comments about the two that would have made a simple guy like me blush the shade of the Bloody Marie's I was making.

What struck a chord though was one comment made that most of them agreed with. And in that comment I realised that I had found the correct response to the "Society expects it from us" argument.

"If he wants to live this way why hell did he get married?"

Qi, Qis, Qat, Qadi, Qaid...

2006-06-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

Feeling a tad low.

Yesterday after a very long time of procrastinating I took a position on where I felt the markets were headed. And what's worse I put it down in writing (not on this blog thankfully). For most of the day there was a false sense of satisfaction that my predictions would hold. Then in the last 90 minutes the whole thing came crashing down.

I hate being wrong. I also hate that I will have to now try and re-examine the data and try and figure out where this damn market is headed.

I am not yet ready to buy that whole "down to 8500 before we see a recovery" crap. The smart money is going to get in before that and the Junta is once more going to end up being left behind (waiting for the mythical 8500) and then when it sees the market suddenly shoot up, will jump in at a much higher level and get screwed AGAIN.

I also have this runny nose which makes me crabby and annoying. It also killed any plans that I had of going to the Gym. So lay down and watched TV. BAAAAAADDDDD MOVE!!!!!

Ended up watching a couple of movies called "Lets Enjoy" and "Dude where's the Party". (What! You were not aware of the fact that I have Bad Taste in Movies??).

How do such movies get made?

Once made who in their right mind pays to see them?

Who do these movie makers sleep with to get this crap aired on Television??

Honestly I have seen Family wedding videos that are more interesting and better produced than this shit.

And some of them probably also have a better story line.

Was too depressed after that to eat my salad so called for some high carb crap. Thank God there was only Mango Ice-cream (courtesy the nephew) in the house, so it was possible for me to resist the urge to completely pig out.

Morning has not been too great either. The papers are full of Football Fever (and Rahul Mahajan) and for someone like me who doesn't like either that's a 100 pages of "Full Colour" Toilet Paper.

Taalking of Rahul I keep having this very nasty image of R & B naked in the Jacuzzi. Making out with your Dads Secretary/Assistant whatever. Just how kinky is that?

This evening is the Annual Convention of the "Mock the Fat Doc" Fraternity.

Considering that the whole year round these guys pretty much do nothing more than make nasty and rude comments about me one would hope that for one day of the year they would say nice things about me (at least to my face). But that I guess is too much to expect.

The one thing I am thankful for is that none of these guys have eve met my "intimate" friends. It's bad enough that they mock the waiter, the spot boy, the telephone operator and the bank clerk. Introducing these (innocent and terribly cute) guys to the barracudas that call themselves my friends would start them off on a mad feeding frenzy.

Trying something different this year. Central Suburbs. It's funny how the moment you mention the fact that the party is in Chembur, guys assume that I got screwed in the recent market meltdown and am trying to skimp on the cost.

Anyway let's see...

Sunday am planning to go for the Scrabble Tournament after a very long time. Considering my present streak of luck I think I am going to be stuck with Q, J, X & V with no vowels right after the other guys scores a bingo on a triple world score tile.

Ek din - Teen Chakke

2006-06-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

Ok first a clarification. The title is not a politically incorrect statement as you would tend to assume. (Especially given the fact that my Tata telecom number has char chakke to start it off.

This is about 6-6-6 the date that marks my ascendancy into the world of power and glory.

I may not have mentioned it to you but I am the antiChrist.

To them that believe (like the motor mechanic, the lab technician and the sign board painter - a.k.a. the Unholy Trinity) no explanations were ever necessary.

To those that do not believe No proof (not even my profile photograph with the stylised mark of the "Evil One") would ever be enough.

To this misguided bunch I have only one thing to say -

BE AFRAID!!!

BE VERY AFRAID!!!

Anyway went to see Omen yesterday. Bad idea. Could not help but continously make a comparrison to the original.

With all the new age technology and techniques they still could not make as scary and grippping a movie as the First one.

A part of this could of course be put down to the fact that when I saw the original I was just about 18, another aspect could perhaps be put down to the fact that there was this annoying bunch of kids at IMAX yesterday who had this habit of bursting out into laughter at the "scary moments" (not an inapropriate response, I might add).

But the fact however remaains that the original little kid starinng into you was far more menacing that the new kid on the block.

This whole week is in fact turning out into becoming a huge (and actually quite satisfying - I love thrashy movies OK) movie binge. Started with Inside man on Sunday, Omen yesterday and MI 3 today.

Mr Washington excelled in Inside Man though I still have one question about the movie which I am still unable to answer. No its not about the plot It is actually about what the F the Chainyaa Chainya number was doing in it?

MI 3 tonight. I hope it does not go down the Bollywood Masala route that MI 2 did (the heroine standing at the cliff edge threathening to commit suicide and being rescued in the nick of time by the Hero - talk about un-original ideas!!). Seeing the trailer yesterday I did however notice that Tom is now begining to look really old.

Saw another trailer yesterday. K.A.N.K. (remember you saw this phrase here FIRST). The Karan Johar melodrama coming in August. With all this talk about the simmering fued between the Khans and my in-laws I wonder if Karan will favour his lover boy over mine.

One huge plus about the movie binge is that I don't need to watch Rahul Mahajan 24 x 7. Give the guy a break will you!

More and more I see this as just more proof of how kids of famous parents always end up getting a raw deal in life. They are always held up to a higher standard that most of their peers.

"The Curse of the Silver Spoon."

Now there's a story waiting to be told.

Bond on Broadway

2006-05-31T01:41:00.000-07:00

Saw Davinci the other day. As usually happens with most such movies I realised that I preferred the book to the movie.

They showed a couple of trailers of movies that are due later this year. Both sequels (in a sense) and both have the lead star replaced. Felt the new replacements did not quite fill the shoes.

For the new Superman of-course he will have to fight of all the villains in the movie (and will win those battles) His bigger battle will be against the ghost of Christopher Reeves.

Considering he was no great shakes as an actor (nice well built pretty faced boy) it is surprising how large a shadow he casts over anyone who will follow. His legendary battle for life made him a real superhero and its going to take a long time for anyone who may have seen his post-accident interviews (a lot of them with Larry King) to accept anyone else as a Superman.

The new Bond. What can I say? I think the producers already realise their screw-up. Which probably explains why Women, special effects, and Dame Judi Dench feature far more prominently in the trailer than the new Bond.

I'm no great Pierce Brosnan fan. Yeah he made a decent Bond and was probably OK for another couple of movies. That being said I think the replacement should have been Robbie Williams.

Bond is not about acting. (I doubt if any of the Bonds have even been nominated for an Oscar) It's about attitude, it's about panache and that is something that Robbie has by the truckloads. And an innate ability to project that cockiness onto the screen.

In all probability Daniel Craig may go into the Wikipedia as George Lazenby II. What I hope for is that the next time round they get the selection right.

Can you even imagine the possibilities?

James Bond - the Musical

The Spy who serenaded me

The Man wit the Golden Gullet

Licensed to Sing

Classics all... Just waiting to be made.

Can I change my Birthday PLEEAASSEE!!

2006-05-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

Was reading the newspaper today and realised to my shock and dismay that I need to make some changes to my life on a very urgent basis.

First off and most Crucial I need to change my Date of Birth.

For years I have gone through life livinng under the heavy burden of the fact that my Birthday was a day of national mourning in India (or at least for the Nehru, Gandhi family which actually is pretty much the same thing, Remember India is Indira, Indira is India).

That never really caused me much grief but today I came to realise that I was born in close proximity to another VD (A man with a Vision for this state).

Sorry!!! Sop the bus and let me off. I am not interested in being close to this man with regards to ANYTHING.

So all you beautiful and sexy people out there (and to the incredibly ULGY MM who reads this blog as well) please make a change in your diaries.

Hamara Janm din Badal Gayaa hai.

Please nayee date note kijiye. 5 Februay 1976.

Co-incidence naaa. Me and my Lover Born togethor!!

Seriously Juicy Stuff...

2006-05-21T03:19:00.000-07:00

With 4 monkeys and 1 monkeyette in Town I am the officialy designated Monkeys Uncle!

Much against my Gym Trainers wishes that has resulted in me being designated the "One that drives them to Paradise" aka McDonalds.

Over the last couple of days I have come to realise that there is stuff out there that is not on those illuminated menus above the counter.

This obviously is a Special Vacation offer that seems to be running at most of the city outlets.

While I do know that most of the readers of my blog are seriously into healthy foods and would opt for a Bran bread and cucumber with tofu sandwich I think there is a segment that may be attracted by this offer.

NOW AVAILABLE AT MCDONALDS.

With every McDonalds Happy Meal you get a McDaddy!

Choose the Lean, Chunky Bear-meat or Twinky slice.

Better yet! as they say in every advert of the Happy Meal

COLLECT THEM ALL!!!!

The Movie Man(ia)

2006-05-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

The thing is I know why he has done this!

A couple of days back I had posted a link to the Viksters "Bald & Beautiful(???)" mugshot on my blog.

I am now being made to pay the price for that indiscretion.

He tags me! And not just a nice fun tag about food or stuff that makes me go hmmmm...

He asks me to go through a list of 102 movies and list the ones that I have seen!!

Me! I am an extremely discriminating movie person. I am not inclined to go and see a movie just because some schmuk paid shit loads of money to another guy to waste on celluloid.

I am probably the only fag in Mumbai who has not attended a single one of the Gay Bombay Movie screenings. (and at last count I think Sopan has held about 12 - 15 of them) (and Dibs I know what you are going to say but sleeping through half a movie after a Hash run and Beer does NOT count).

I am the kind of guy who finally managed to rent Geisha last week and am blunt enough to admit that I fell asleep at some point in the middle.

I like my movies to have lots of great music and I notice that not too many of those feature on this list.

I would rather watch Chicago than Casablanca.
I would prefer Evita (yes I have seen that one) to La Dolce Vita
Moulin Rouge (the new version) is something I can never miss when it shows on Cable.
Even as I write, I have the Soundtrack from Rent going on in the background and "I'm lovin it". West Side Story - now that one, works for me.
A Star is Born - Not the original though I prefer the Barbra & Kris version.

If I have to choose a John Travolta movie for the list it would certainly NOT be Pulp Fiction. Compared to that even Look Who's talking Too would be a better option (and we all know how bad that was). For me the choice would be Grease from his musicals and Face Off or The Generals Daughter from his later stuff.

Not a single Tom Hanks movie on the list?? Now how odd is that???

Having said all of that there are still some movies that I can never resist seing over and over again. The list of my all time favourites would include Mr. Hollands Opus, Captain Corellis Mandolin (in fact any of Nicholas Cages movies), Everyone says I love you (The Woddy Allen movie that I would have on the list), 8 mm (Nicholas Cage again), The Man of La Mancha (Peter O'Toole), The subject was Roses (an obscure Martin Sheen beauty), Fiddler on the Roof...

Some of these movies are gems that I first collected as part of the "Sterling Matinee Habit". Which is what made me sad when I read last week that the theatre was shutting down. I hope that they will reintroduce the system when it re-opens. They owe it to the coming generation of college students to get them hooked on to great movies.

I guess to a very large extent my problem is that I like to see "movies". I am not a "Cinema" buff. LS though it may seem, personally I can nver see myself at any of the Film festivals to get me a slice of "New Age World Cinema". Sorry but for me anything with subtitles is a huge NO-NO!!

The other thing is that I am not a huge fan of the whole "Celluloid as a vehicle of Social change" funda. I liked Rang de Basanti as a movie for the beautiful way it merged the past with the present. The whole premise of cowboy vigilantism - Sorry can not buy that part. Can even less endorse that as a means to an end.

Movies to me are about entertainment - sometimes mindless sometimes dramatic. Which is why I can always sit through both Sugarland Express as well as Death becomes Her with Housesitter thrown in for good measure.

From the List of 102 movies that have been listed I have probably seen about 10 - 12. And while that may not make me competent to "have a meaningful discussion of any kind about movies". I have no regrets about that. I have no intentions of going to Cannes or Karlov Vary during festival Season (Been to both places off season).

I go to the movies to be transported to a different place and a different life for a few hours. I do not go to see something so that I can discuss and debate over it for hours on end after the event.

A couple of hours in a galaxy far far away that's what drives me to the movies.

Any why do we not have Driving Ms. Daisy in the list??

More from the Devils Workshop.

2006-05-17T23:15:00.000-07:00

I am so bored right now it is not funny.

With the markets in yo-yo mode there really is nothing you can do by way of trading. And as the motor mechanic will vouch, It's not as though I am not working. For the last three days I have been religiously putting in my orders to settle my derivative positions and having absolutely no luck. I guess I am destined to get to the end of this cycle and let the positions expire. (Yeah I will not have to pay brokerage!) (By the way this comment has been brought to you by a unidentified Sindhi/Madu gene that MM insists has gotten into me) (Note to self: No more blowing without condoms, who knows what you may pick up).

Believe me I am so bored and depressed with where my life is headed I am seriously inclined to take up a razor and do to myself the kind of damage that Vikster has inflicted on himself.

Been reading in the news of the New Group that calls itself the Catholic Secular Forum.

Using the same set of principles I am planning to launch a few more social and political Groups in the Country.

At the top of the List is the Neo-Fascist Liberal Society, Followed close on its heels by the
North Indian Dravida M. K. (Sorry I really do not know how to spell those two words)
Punjabi Temperance Society.
Southern Tamil Nadu Hindi Sanskriti Sabha (with a Branch office in Kolkatta).
The Medha Patkar sponsored Urban Renewal Mission.
And let us not forget the C. P. M. Forum for Private Enterprise.

For me I think I will be content to be the Founder President of the
Zoroastrian Organisation of Young and Eligible Bachelors.

(to the guy who had a problem with my writing in Pink sorry, but Pink is the official colour of the Group It won over black by a vote of 235 to 3)

The Queens Cooking Diary

2006-05-16T00:38:00.000-07:00

Heavily plagarised and completely unoriginal but, on a day when I am just sitting in front of the monitor and watching the markets do some dirty dancing, it gives me something to distract my attention and keep me from making some trading calls which may end up going completely wrong.

Monday

It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday

Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said: Serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday

Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said to prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday

Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday

Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Good Night Dear Diary

This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a Chocolate Moose.

OK Guys Now for the Moral of the story - Next time the Good Doctor organises a Cooking Demonstration for the Queers - ATTEND!!!!

If nothing else atleast you will be in a position to offer a better choice than "Coffee Tea or Me?"

Lest you have forgotten..

2006-05-07T09:28:00.000-07:00

Just a friendly reminder guys.

My birthday is fast approaching. I am sure that all of you must (as usual) be at a loss about what to get for me.

Here is a suggestion.

Going completely against each and every thing that I have in the past said about how the Technology of the ipod was restrictive (like on most of the stuff that Apple puts out) I will agree to buy myself an ipod.

The condition is that you guys got to pool in to buy me a decent pair of headphones for the unit.

For those who have no idea what the term "decent" means here is a hint.

http://www.macatwork.net/luxurymac/prodotti.html

No hearts though. Please guys get me the moon shaped babies.

Viraf "There's only 20 shopping days left " D

Get connected Kahi bhi, kabhi bhi...

2006-05-05T17:56:00.000-07:00

6:30 in the morning, I sitting in stands of the Volleyball Court of the DC School in Khandala listening to 1930 generation trucks as they attempt to take on the ghats. In front of me are a bunch of guys (and two girls) who are here for a Karate Camp that is also going on. It's also about the only time in the day that I can get time to use the computer.

Not today (when it's absolutely clear), but yesterday with the mist rolling gently past the grouds and across the valley was the image that the Reliance guys need to use to promote their get connected anywhere data card. Not that I am complaining about ther absolute cutie that they use. Sometimes I think that I log in to te system only to get a glimse of the guy. (I seriously need to start returning those calls and meeting real people soon)

I am actually hoping that this digressive rant has taken ypour minds off the planned site upgrade.

With restricted computer access, the launch of the upgrade to the blogsite has been indefinitely postponed. Rescheduled date of release Q3 of 2006. What the users (and some abusers) of this amazing product will get in short duration is a pre-release beta version of the new product. (Old patrons of my posts will probably recognise the fact that the closer I get to my Birthday the more I begin to sound like a Microsoft Press release.

Get back to Bombay by afternoon. Last night the older kids were given the traditional exemption from the bed-time curfew and as usual I got caught up by a bunch of them who wanted to know whether I would be willing to dump the Senior Citizen volunteers into the bus and take a few of the Rocking kids in the car with me. Lets see...

Has been a great camp actually. Managed to get to stay in the swimming pool for a couple of hours yesterday for the base game. Had planned what I thought was a pretty interesting task for them but the idea got vetoed by the Gestapo chief that runs the camp.

So instead we ended up having a dumb thing which involved timing the kids getting down to their swimwear getting across the pool, drying themselves and getting into their regular clothes again. It's really odd but these guys and girls managed to get their clothes off in a jiffy but took ages to put them on again.

Managed to get myself a great tan though. and a stupid bright band on my wrist where the watch had to be.

Anyway thought I should try this on some of the more worldly wise guys out here so lets see if anyone out here is cleverere than the kids at the camp.

"The task is to get two members from the team to cross the pool from the deep end to the Shallow end WITHOUT getting their clothes or any other articles from their camp kit wet. At any point in time during the task the only persons allowed in the pool are the two members who are attempting the task."

Let's see who manages to give me the solution to this one.

It's 7 in the morning and the old hag from the Kindergaten teachers Training camp has just slithered into the court. I absolutely hate that woman. She does not even posses one molecule of passion of creativity. How can one even contemplate someone like her teaching kids. And worse training others how to teach kids.

Next year I think we need to check up and make sure that our camp dates do not clash with theirs. Chances are even if the volunteers behave in a restrained fashion some of the kids who are equally peeved with her attitude may not be so considerate.

Anyway the whistle just went off and the kids are going to be trooping down any minute now so I need to shut down this rant. More later (with pictures!!!)

Never leave home without it...

2006-04-28T00:13:00.000-07:00

Got a call Wednesday night with an invitation to a Birthday party last night.

Since I was going to be out from about 5 am yesterday I was stuck as to what gift I should (could, at that time of the night) get for him.

It suddenly struck me though that the ideal gift for him is an ensemble of things that are available at any standard 24 x 7 pharmacy.

Ladies (I hope there is more than just one of them out here!) and Gentlemen, I give you

The Gay Bois Date survival kit.

Take a handy little pouch (picked that up from Bangalore airport actually, though failing that he would have got the goodies stuffed into the Kingfisher plastic thingy).

Pack it up with:

2 Duracell batteries - Because your toys should go on and on...

1 strip Penagra (desi Viagra) - Because your bois should go on and on...

1 small bottle Scented massage oil - To ease you into the mood...

1 tube KY jelly - To ease you into...

1 pack ribbed condoms - For that extra tickle...

1 pack flavoured condoms - For that extra nibble...

Yeah I know some of those comments are gross but you are all grown up guys -DEAL WITH IT!

The guy at the Chemists shop has, for the last few weeks, been giving me really weird looks. Over that period I have bought-

75 triple packs of Kamasutra Condoms
5 piss-pots
and now the stuff for the Goodies bag

Suddenly the innocent little "Rick Ashley" metamorphs into very nasty "Ricky Martin"

Regrettably he just is not my type (way too slim and always wearing a stupid grin) (You tell him your brother is dying and he would still have that smile) or else I could have bought a GB (Goodies Bag, not the Boys Club - they have a no hanky panky rule ) for us to share

Are Aisaa mauka phir kahaan milega...

2006-04-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

I know a lot of people share the sentiments that Rupesh voiced in his recent comment.

The implication that I am un-caring of the opinions of others hurts.

Sure I may not wear my feelings on my sleeves and I certainly am not going to burst into tears at the first sign of disapproval.

But deep inside, in a place well hidden from public view, is a vulnerable little child who cringes with every blow.

Anyway he does not blog, I do! And I got the "hide n size" (Sounds like a chic leather boutique huh?) of an elephant. Got the memory and the arrogant demeanour of one as well.

I'm the kind of guy who does believes that the only way to win friends is to bribe them and "influencing people" is something that is easily accomplished with a heavy wooden bat.

All of that having been said I tend to agree with everybody that the new template of the blog SUCKS. It has now gotten to the point where I am getting requests from guys who want to go out with my blog on a dirty weekend because they know that with something that sucks so big time its gonna be fun, fun, fun...

My sex life as a consequence has been reduced to ZILCH, NADA, ZERO!!

Drastic action is called for and remedial measures shall be taken soon.

I am off next week from Wednesday for the Kids Summer Camp. Which basically means lights off for all the Campers at 9:00 pm. The advantage of being a volunteer here is that you are not bound by the silly rules of Siggy Sir.

So I expect to have a hell of a lot of time on my hand and the Laptop too is charged and finally connected to the cyber world. So change will happen over the week.

What I need in the meantime is suggestions.

and Consensus.

Off line I was told I should go for a classy Black and white design. The downside is that Viks will in that case never stop comparing me to the Ghost who Talks.

More colour, less colour, simple design, multilayered whatever. This is your chance to experience Democracy Pakistan Style.

You can all vote to tell me what you guys want me to do and then I as President and de-facto head of the realm shall decide what I want to do.

So click that comment button and let me know what you think I should do.

I wanna read your hand

2006-04-22T05:10:00.000-07:00

Was reading an interesting account by a little Red Devil about his encounter with a "fortune teller". Reminded me of the two occasions when I have ever had my fortune told.

The first was years back at Mela restaurant with a bunch of out of town "professional" freeloaders who our company were hosting while I still believed that I was a good salesperson. They had (have?) this Jyotshi who gives great gyan about the dinner guests so for a lark all of us decided to get our hands read.

The secretary of the association (who has got cases filed against him from each and every corner of the country) was "read" as a man with absolutely no enemies. I was diagnosed as a man who would reach the highest pinnacle of glory in the business. (Yeah right, I walked of it five years down the line).

The second occasion was far more eerie. This is while I was still selling the same Dental crap. At that time I had not even considered moving out of the business. Waiting for a delayed flight at Bangalore airport a very close family friend started staring at my palms and made a very unusual prediction. He said that things would change for me "for the better" after June 2000. I was pretty much like, Yeah right what’s going to happen then?

I never gave the prediction much importance till way later. Long after I had switched tracks and moved over to the Stock Trading business I realised that in a very real sense the whole process did get triggered that particular month in a very unusual manner. My Aunt passed away and I was saddled with the whole business of sorting out her estate. Transferring her stocks and getting the whole process underway I realised that I liked the whole "trading as a full time job".

As luck would have it was also around the time that ICICI Bank launched its internet trading business. Guys that know my excellent people skills will probably realise why the idea of net trading worked for me where "calling the broker" and trading could not have.

While the wrong prediction is something that I can dismiss with a shrug the eeriness of the accuracy of the one that came right is tougher to comprehend and explain.

What's scary is that recently he has recently predicted that I would fall in love within the next year and definitely by the end of 2007. (Oddly though he did not predict marriage - though in a sense that is what makes me afraid that he may be right again)

Me in love ??????????

Me in a long term relationship !!!!!!!!

HEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I had to share this...

2006-04-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

Its 2:30 in the morning and I just got back to the room. The guy I share the room with pushed off some time around 11 so I am forced to type out this post using just the makeshift little light attached to the top of the laptop.

So if there is any mistyping - please excuse me.

The reason for this immediate post is to let my loyal and always supportive readers know that yours truly won the Best Thighs competition at the Gala Hash Bash this evening. The competition was tough. Amongst the final three was the guy who had for the last three years been winning the Miss Hash Contest. Neddless to say that at the First Nash Hash that I attended I have managed to show the country and the world at large that the future belongs to the Fags.

I thought of saying something along the lines of "it was the most fun that I have had with my clothes on" but...

I realise that the statement would not be completely honest. Theere was a point some time during the evening whrn I accompanied a bunch of guys dancing on the bar. At that time the shirt did come off. (which also got me second prize for being the hairiest chest).

The final round of the Thighs competition was technically the "swimsuit" round and that is when the trousers got dropped.

Anyway the snaps (of me) from the evening are going to be posted on gaychubsluts.com.

As soon as I have the exact link I shall post it here.

More later once I get back to Mumbai.

Sorry Dahling no autographs

2006-04-07T03:12:00.000-07:00

That's me with the proof of my First Book.

Ok it's a Hash Catalogue and probably the best deal I could claim for myself on this book is being the Editor.

They say that each of us has a book inside of us. (No you bastards, stop smirking I have not swallowed the Encyclopaedia Britannica).

In my case actually I hope there are two.

One is a play script that I had started a long time back. I need to go through a whole stack of archive CDs that came back from the office to find the first few scenes of that one. A poignant Urban Drama about a Fag in the City. A Karan Johar style tear-jerker but without the ostentatious opulence. Stark minimalist sets. That's the way I envision it. It's as though the script has been written to be performed at the Tata Experimental Theatre (it was inspired by a play I saw there so perhaps in a way it has)

The second of course is my magnum-opus, my novel. Tentatively titled "The curse of the Silver Spoon" – it's fiction with a few bits plagiarised from the lives of me and my friends. It's the kind of Book which if it ever gets converted into a movie would have to star AB's Baby, not because of my infatuation with him but simply because I believe it is a role that he could identify with and perhaps from his own personal experiences do full justice to.

I think I may even chuck the plans for checking out the Middle aged ex-virgin showgirl and just grab the laptop, take off to the beaches of Tarkarli and get down to some serious work on this around my Birthday.

Choices, choices choices... The decision is going to have to be made soon. I certainly do not fancy spending time in that Shitty Boat suite this time.

Mumbai Time-pass

2006-04-06T01:27:00.000-07:00

Its a lazy mid week off day. Bored as hell with absolutely nothing to do. (Correction make that "nothing that I feel inclined to do"). So here are some random thoughts that crept into this devils workshop.

Since when did the Narmaba Bachao Andolan become a Medha Bacho movement?

Also have you noticed one face that has been pretty much been missing this time araound. Arundhati dahling long time no see. Or is fasting not your scene?

Someone on the mailing list commented on the dexterity and skill of my tongue. That's what comes from over a decade of dedication to the task of licking and cleaning Cake batter and sundry dessert preperation out of the bowls they are made in. Part of the pleasure of dessert cooking for me has always been in the cleanup process.

Licking whipped cream with a clean flick of the tongue, contorting and manipulating it into areas that would otherwise be inaccessable - Heaven (I'm sure the pots and spoons enjoy the experience too)

I wonder if I should include these skills in my gay.com profile?

There are poor farmers dying in interior Maharashtra, there are old folks being assaulted and killed in the cities and the Home Minister (with the support of the whole Legislative Assembly) asks the cops to check up on the quality of hooks and zippers being used at the Lakme Fashion week?

We have a Prime minister who fought and won a case to validate his election to the Upper House from Assam. And yet when it comes to voting in the state elections he sets an example by not voting.

Advani leaves today on another Rath Yatra. Methinks he should take it across the LOC this time. He may have more support there.

Maharashtra had the Ulhasnagar fiasco and the Centre turned a blind eye (in fact perhaps even encouraged the Idiot in Charge) to settle the matter by issuing an ordinance which magically regularised a whole township of illegal structures.

The residents of Pratibha in South Bombay are still awaiting a resolution to their problem.

Actually regularising the Building may have some unexpected plus points for the Government. I think Lata tai has booked a flat in that building so if she moves out of her present home then I am sure she would have no more problems with the Peddar Road Flyover.

Has the Benign Smiling One considered that option?

It's nice to read that Mr. Kamat has given the Congress High Command an undertaking that he will not oppose the demolition of illegal structures that have come up after 2000.

Maybe someone needs to get a copy of it and get it Registered with the authorities so that he will not back away from this stand come the time of the next elections.

Lakme Flash Week. Can't resist not commenting on that. Would you buy the frock that Carol wore? Would you dare wear it in public?

Final Question. How come wardrobe malfunctions never happen with guys clothes?

525,600 minutes

2006-04-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

Have not had a chance to see most of the new releases. So this evening I was determined to go and check out one if not two of them.

Trooped down to Imax and was told that there was a "slight technical problem" with the 8:15 show of Rent. Fortunately for me five other people also turned up to see the movie as well and guess what Suddenly "No more Technical Problems".

The ran the movie for just the 6 of us. It was the last screening that they were planning for the movie and I am so glad I could see it.

OK so sue me - I am a sucker for Musicals. Give me a movie with a nice soundtrack and I am hooked.

Right from the first scene with the spotlight on the 8 of them as they belt out the stunning 525,600 minutes to the totally soppy finale I was totally transported into the world of these characters.

The last big screen movie that I had seen was Crash, and while the Critics and the Academy may not agree with me on this one I prefered Rent.

Perhaps what worked for me in the whole movie was the fact that the only real relationship that worked and survived in the movie was the one between Angel and Tom.

It was a movie about AIDS with being overly heavy and down beat.
It was a movie about failing relationships without being depressing.
It was a movie about love withing being soppy.

But above all of that it was a movie with SONGS! Songs that in the privacy of a nearly empty and dark theatre, I could strum my air-guitar to, switch over to the air piano and then move smoothly over to the air-drums. without for a single moment giving up the microphone as I led in the vocals.

I had a BLAST!!

Even as I type this out I am listening to the soundtrack and reliving every moment of the movie again. I wiosh I could put a link to the audio to this blog if for no other reason to let the philistines among you experience good music.

If you really liked you would not say no...

2006-04-05T00:36:00.000-07:00

OK Guys.

I know you guys really love me and all that. I am sure that you would really, really like to get me a nice Birthday present.

Yeah I know the Birthday is waaay off in May but then there is this present that I really like and I would like any or all of you to please consider getting it for me.

Promise I will not ask for anything more for my next two Birthdays at least.

27th May 2006 the 46 year old Fag gets to see a 47 year old Hag doing her stuff on stage.

Not just any stage, its the MGM Garden Grand Arena in Las Vegas.

And its not just any old Hag. Its the greatest Hag of all time - the One, the only, the faux Virgin, but the True Blue Diva of Pop. Madonna.

Please, pretty please, with sugar on top. Uncle.. I will be your slave for as long as you want... I will do unspeakable acts for you for this ticket. And I will smile all the time that I am doing it (Provided my lips are not busy doing other stuff).

OK guys just so that you do not think I am too greedy here is the deal. Get me the show tickets, and I will get to the place on my own steam. Deal?

Motor Mechanic could you check with your brother and let me know whats the cheapest fare to get there. If hotel rooms are not available, believe me I will even stay overnight at the Bus station.

Madonna performs on my Birthday,
Sorry, sorry the divas going to chime.
Call in all favours,
Cancel all appointments
But get me to Las Vegas on time

Bring on the shades!!!

2006-04-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

OK!

Now I dare any of you guys to call me a Simi Clone!

BTW. Wht the F*** is everbody spelling her name with a double m.

Last time I checked she had certainly not got a job as a Saas or Bahu with Ekta Didi.

if you are OK with it...

2006-04-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

I absolutely hate that term!

No, it’s not as though I am a perfectionist. (Anybody who knows will me will attest to the fact that reality is waay to the contrary). It’s probably the realisation that I can do much better that the shit I tend to give at the first attempt. So when someone throws that phrase at me it triggers a whole crap-load of thoughts and a feeling of not being good enough that I felt I had dealt with and put away in the past. It never stays there does it?

Anyway Sunday was an absolute Blast! Thank you M for making the effort to transform a boring flan into an absolute work of art. Sorry Dibs about the encounter that you had with my neighbour. He thought that you were some “hired help” that had come in to cook and was slinking away with the family silver. He still can not understand why, if you had cooked the fish curry, you were taking some home with you.

Anyway was way too stressed out to do anything that night but sure enough I was up at 5 having nightmares about the Hash Book that was supposed to be completed and delivered later in the day. Considering that most of it consists of stuff that is copy-pasted from the web or worse you would think that it would not be such a great deal. Right?

WRONG – Welcome to my world.

Copy pasting is just the first and perhaps the easiest part of the whole deal. Correcting the grammar (of inane Beer jokes mind you!) was the next step. And then the whole book went through about three different font changes and style reformats till the whole thing looked well-formatted. Then to the Cover. Tried to get away with that whole rainbow deal that you guys had so derided earlier. (BTW I hate all of you for demoralising me in such a callous manner).

Went on to creating something with a collage of Aurangabad images and embellishing them with little hash trivia. Was Ok. I thought, and in fact so did most of the people who saw it. And then some stupid idiot went and said those absolutely dreaded words. “Viraf if you are OK with it, let’s go with this”. Why the F*** can grown up people keep their mouths shut.

I knew what I wanted to do! Long before this task had even been assigned to me (I am an ideas man I told you) I knew exactly what I wanted to see on the cover and also the main Hash T-shirt. It was very clearly one of the Apsaras quaffing a beer while attired in a Hash Hare T-shirt (A bright orange piece of crap).

SHIT!!!...

Spent the whole of last night and most of the morning rummaging through cyberspace for an image that I could download and then transform. Ketki was here this afternoon and was amazed at how often I just chucked an attempt for the least possible reason. Anyway by this evening I had what I felt was the best I could muster under the circumstances and the time constraints.

Yes she is not wearing the t-shirt, but then I guess subconsciously I have always been partial towards bare torsos. So what if it’s a female form. It’s just one small sex-change operation away from being a stunning looking boi.

Yehi hai right choice Baby!

2006-03-30T22:56:00.000-08:00

There is a certain straight guy out there who reads this blog and is going to be totally pissed of with this post.

Now this guy routinely disses me off on a whole host of stuff and nice guy that I am (and I dare anyone to claim that I am NOT!!!) I usually just take all the crap without so much as a murmur of protest or complaint. (Honestly, I am a sweet old man. OK!).

Let me explain about this guy to you. If he buys Reliance at 800 with a intra-day square off target at 810 most of the analysists on the NSE will decide to short the counter ar 809.9.

Was talking to him about a trade that both of us got into. As usual he cribbed about the fact that the script went up to 2779.9 while he had set his sell price at 2780. After his usual cribs he suddenly came up with one comment that I could not resist responding to.

"Bastard you are sitting pretty with absolutely no concerns in the world. You do not have to bother about the responsibilities of a wife, two kids and a new house loan."

I just could not resist pointing out to him that he too had a choice. He could have opted to turn gay.

To all those who always insist that I CHOSE to become a homosexual I now intend to respond with exactly the same line. You too had a choice and have chosen to live a hetero life. You must take full responsibility for the consequences of your actions. You have opted to get involved with a women and take such drastic steps as getting married and having children. Now do not complain about how tough it is and how comfortable it is for those of us who thought things out and made the RIGHT DECISION.

As the Good Book says, "As you make your bed so shall you lie on it. "

It is up to you if you choose to use pink satin sheets on a circular bed with a gel mattress and a nice boi besides you.

Why blame the world if you decide to pick up a Living Room Double bed cum-sofa with a hard-board mattress covered by an ill fitting rough cotton bed-sheet and a wife who has suddenly decided to try and use an agar-agar seaweed face pack every night to help impove her 'homely' looks.

Sometimes though, my heart goes out to the poor woman and the kids. They deserved better. They are the innocent victims of ones man decision to walk down the well trodden path without any thought or contemplation of wheter he is even cut out for the challenges ahead.

Got it!

2006-03-28T10:45:00.000-08:00

Well not completely!

There are a few glitches as far as the comments area is concerned. But at least the basics nuts and bolts of the new look are in place.

I'm off to Bangalore and Pune for the next three days so you guys can take the time to make all kinds of nasty comments and trash the new design.

Will get back on Friday and sort things out.

Yes Wild - the nose dipping in ketchup will change as well.

Come Sunday am looking forward to having the GB Gang over for the cook fest. Planning to teach the guys how to make some decent desserts.

Who knows may even end up getting hooked. The last time they had this thing one of the chefs got the opportunity to get a bite of something that was not on the menu.

Random Rants - II

2006-03-27T04:31:00.000-08:00

I thought of calling this Random Rants Dwitiyea but I realised I have absolutely no idea of how the damn word is spelt. So it's just going to be RR - II. (Prof. Jain, please pardon me this one time I promise I shall study better for my next round. RR - Twiteyea).

While I do accept that we as a community are significantly more talented than the rest of the guys out there why do people assume that our skills lie in the artistic and creative field? Do they not see Will and Grace? The fag is a Lawyer for crying out loud. The artistic (allegedly)one is the straight (allegedly) woman.

So why the f**** do I get saddled with the design of the logo for the Nash Hash. I can not draw two straight lines even if I have a ruler. My Mech. Drawing sheets used to be sold as abstract art outside Y point, that's how good I was! The only reason I ever registered for those courses (beside the fact that they were compulsory that is) is that they gave me the opportunity to carry a very phallic T square all over the campus.

Downright stereotyping I say! And rudely condescending too! Thank God for Corel Draw. At least the lines are straight now and my circles look like high quality parathas and not ASI Maps of the Subcontinent. The creative content - that's still missing however.

I am an ideas man not a pen and paper implementation guy. I know that an Ajanta Apsara wearing a Hash Harrier Hareing t-shirt would make for a stunning logo. Do NOT ask me how I am going to do it. I have absolutely no idea.

If I am expected to come up with ideas and then implement them as well this is the best I can come up with. (I wonder why they cribbed about the colours though I thought the rainbow effect looked good).

Random Rants

2006-03-26T19:56:00.000-08:00

There used to be a time (sometime in the last millennium, I admit) when I used to be good at programming. Not just that. I was one of those ‘nothing better to do in life’ kind of guy who used to “enjoy” assembly level programming.

The last few days however were a revelation. I suddenly came face to face with the fact that over the last few years my skills have rusted and rotted away. No doubts it is not my fault. The guy responsible is sitting pretty in Redmond counting his zillions while his handiwork makes mouse clicking brain-dead zombies of a whole generation.

As I had pointed out I am tired with the look of my blog. Boring, mind-numbing and dull could perhaps be the terms that polite diplomats using politically correct lingo would use to describe it.

Checked out all the templates on blogspot and found that I could honestly not use any better terms than the above mentioned three to describe any of them. Absolutely none of them had any “WOW” factor. Plus with so many blogs out there and so few templates most of them tend to look cloned.

Checked out a few more blog template sites for some other options. Another word comes to my mind as I go through most of them. New word for the day – Juvenile.

Which brings me to my tale of woe and a wasted Sunday. Went for the hash run in the morning Drove all the way down to Karjat and even started on the run. The spirit was willing. The bowels were not. So pretty much had to abandon what was by most opinions an “amazing” run.

Came back crashed for a bit and then decided to have a slightly more productive evening. Start out with the blog makeover, finish that off and go and celebrate by watching Syriana in one of those late night shows.

Ok so I already ran that spirit was willing… cliché so I am now going to give you guys a new one “Man proposes – Bill Gates (aka God) disposes". Started at around 7:00 in the evening, when I next checked the clock it said 11, and even then I had still not been able to get the comments section up and running. Gave up finally.

The Battle of the Blog shall continue at a more opportune time and place.

To the four of you who read my blog and missed my stellar stage performance last week, I know I had promised to upload the images. Haven’t done that for the most basic of reasons. Have not still got the pictures from the so called “professional” photographer who was in charge of recording for posterity a "golden" moment of theatrical history. Some major tantrums are lined up for later this afternoon. This guy commented last week that he had only recently realised what a marvellous actor I was. (After nearly a decade of knowing the nice quiet little guy in the colony he recently came face to face with the fag slut at the Hash Runs). He should know the huge egos and very low tolerance levels are a part of the Great Thespian package.

Trust me guys, you will see Bhappida in all his bejewelled glory latest tomorrow. I know what a nuisance I can be and how that can effectively allow me to get exactly what I want.

Talking of Drama Queens, I have to doff my hat to the two masters of the game who gave such stellar performances this last week.

Madam G with a single stroke managed to show up the BJP for the buffoons that they are. Turning adversity to her advantage is something Senora G seems to have learnt well from her Saas. In all of the noise and commotion I just had this very nasty thought. Did the Congress ever intend to bring out the ordinance? Or was this whole thing merely a bait to drag the Jaitleys of the world into a hole that they have very little chance of getting out of. I’m taking bets here that if we have a good monsoon this year we will see Madam G calling a General election later in the year or latest by early next year.

Missy Mangeshkar also did her little bit of crooning this week. "I will renounce everything and go away" she said. For a moment there my heart stopped. This was a lady who has given this nation so much. It’s not for nothing that she is a Bharat Ratna. A priceless jewel in our countrys cultural tapestry. And look how shabbily we treat her.

I think it is an absolute shame. The least, and I do mean the Absolute Least, that Mr. Deshmukh should do is to arrange for a chartered plane to take her along with her belonging (and family) to any un-polluted place of her choice.

Perhaps, I would also suggest, she should be given a helicopter ride from Mahalaxmi Race Course to Santa Cruz Airport so that she does not have to experience the ridiculous traffic jams that she want to preserve.

We owe her that!

Yes! You can be a winner too!!!

2006-03-19T15:55:00.000-08:00

Call it the after-effect of being part of another winning entry yesterday or perhaps just another facet of my generous Baawa nature.

Readers of my Blog can win and WIN BIG!

Announcing

The F-Cubed Navroze Bonanza Competition.

Massive First Prize. The winner gets, on the 21st of March, an all paid for evening of fun, entertainment and the chance to study around 4000 specimens of a dying community at close hand.

This unique opportunity comes but once a year So don't let it go!

And that’s not all. The Gala prize also includes a Traditional Baawa Dinner catered by Tanaz Godiwalla.

All you have to do is interpret the following line

"Ghosts of the kicks not be listening to the talkings"

PS This competition is not open to volunteers of the MEJMT or residents of the Dadar Parsi Colony.

Bent like an Indian

2006-03-18T17:38:00.000-08:00

The kids from the colony are doing a tableau on Bend it like Beckham and I was Googling for some stills to use in the background.

Came across this absolute gem. Probably the best line in the movie. And certainly the ABSOLUTE BEST looking guy in the film.

Pity I wont be able to use it though!.

Never the minds. I be using the smarts. I be foolings them alls. I taking foto of nice nice boys and saying it being scene to scene from Bend it!

You be seeing the movie and sayings that it is not so happenings in that as well.

You also be seeinngs and sayings I am being the rights.

PS. The language skills being tried here are being developed and honed for use on the 21st. Amazing images to follow. Just checked out the trousers I am supposed to wear that day. They got gold zardosi work on it that could make a "Big Fat Indian Wedding" Bride weep with jealosy.

Bhoppida you got the competition I says. You be the looserinng in this matches with me I be sayings. You be going downs on your knees at my feets and I be telling EEEW EEWWWW! you be not touching my panties, You dirty buddha man"

Not quite the Bhangra in Hawai

2006-03-14T04:28:00.000-08:00

The award winning entry in the Royal Challenge Treasure Hunt.

featuring me!, my Doc, his wife and another wife (not the Docs)

To sleep... perchance to dream...

2006-03-07T06:33:00.000-08:00

Change

The only Constant in life!!

Change will happen Change must happen. I think the motor mechanic had it spot on when he said that I seemed to have gotten bored with this whole blog.

I am! I truly am!! Coming back on a daily basis to the dull green and grey blog is an absolute downer. I am going to have to do something about it - and soon.

First stop I need to change that stupid pic of me. Even the few people who like the way the blog reads get suddenly turned off when the see the dog that writes it.
Considering three options.

Morph (Total lie) - 50 % or 100 % is the debate here. Should I go with Johns body and my thobda or should I just decide to go all the way do a body snatch on John (Abraham obviously! who did you think I was talking about?) and a face snatched from the FTV Men Archives.

Airbrush (White Lie) - Take my own snap and just change it to reflect how I see myself in my minds eye. It also shows the world at large how I would like them to percieve me. Essentally it involves a 32" waist, a few less chins, and a lot more hair on the head. How I am going to add a personality to the photograph is something I will have to check up on. I doubt if my Corel Paint skills are good enough for such major surgical procedures.

Abstract (Honest cop out) - Forget about the photo and just go with a picture. The Dali "Don Quixote" or the Kevorkian "Still Life". Both are images that I completely identify with so the choice would be tough.

Second Step. Colour.
I need more colour - brighter colours on the blog. Something that says "Bright Sping day in a Tulip field in Amsterdam" rather than dull rainy afternoon in Mumbai (Dharavi to be specific).

I need to make people look forward to Monday mornings because it gives them a chance to log in and add some fun to the coming work week not something that they tiptoe into on a friday afternoon fearfull of how it could screw up the weekend.

Started this mail on Thursday afternoon with the hope that I would post it off and then work on the blog design over the weekend.

FAT CHANCE! Thursday was a Building Society meeting at my place, Friday was a family Navjote (The last of the season I hope!!) Saturday and Sunday were a complete blur of collating forms for the Kiddie Competitions scheduled for this Wednesday, The first rehersal for the show on the 21st, Chasing up on last minute ads, Submitting the passport for renewal (my Travel Agent (aka Motor mechanics brother) had threatened to disown me thats how late this was). And there was a crazy session of Balderdash on Saturday that went on till around 2 in the morning.

Oh yes and in between all of this I managed to take part in the Royal Challenge Treasure Hunt (got screwed because a cop held us back after we cut the signal at BKC). We did win the Best Dressed Group though(will try and upload the snap later). And I also managed to see Crash at the late night show at Inox.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this I also got a very nasty call from my Trainer at the Gym asking me if I was alive or had a heart attack after the calorie binge the previous week.

With the stupid NSE guys extending trading times till past 4 the Gym is as usual going to take a back seat. SHIT!

Today evening is going to be crapped out as well. 7 pm Go and check arrangements for 250 kids expected on Wednesday. 8 pm Rehearsal, 8:30 Nash Hash meeting (more flack because I have really not done much for this thing).

So how the hell am I ever going to be able to get time off to watch Brokeback or Syriana. Yesterday I realised that Capote and Geisha have all but disappeared from the Mumbai screens. I hope I can manage these two without getting screwed.

Ah! screwing around. Given my present lifestyle I will be glad if I have some faint memories of how that feels by the time I get past this month.

I guess I am too young to be the Queen...

2006-03-05T22:22:00.000-08:00

The maid is going to have a fit when she comes in today. I am a messy cook in general and over the last few years she has come to terms with the fact that Monday afternoons (she normally gets the weekends off because I am not at home when she comes in) are hell. But then over the last couple of days the experimentation in the kitchen has been in overdrive. So today – this is what the place looks like.

There is a positive aspect here though, (for me! Not for her). All the hard work and dedication put in over the last week (Thanks, Meher and co & Sopan & co for being such darlings and willing guinea pigs in the interim) finally bore fruit.

Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together to welcome

The Cadbury Dessert Princess!

Ok so I did not make queen! But considering that I was pitted against 40 baawi women and 3 other catering college bois, (two Nice, one obnoxious) I think I did pretty well. I guess all those years back when on Holi and Diwali we used to take over the mess to prepare Dinner at Hostel 3 (for the un-initiated the mess staff had a half day off on those days) finally made the difference.

These are competitions that we have in Dadar (unfortunately entry being restricted to Baawas only) leading on to the main event on the First of our three New Year Days. That’s the day I get a chance to go up on the stage in front of 4000 baawas and play the fool. (The rest of the days the audience to watch me making an ass of myself tends to be much smaller).

It’s shit-loads of fun and over the last few years since I have started helping out with the management of the event as well it gives me an insight into what goes into making these mega shows work.

Voluntary work with a bunch of dedicated individuals can be extremely rewarding. Kind of gets my juice flowing to do it in other areas as well. Fortunately the reality check works effectively to keep me away from getting into situations that at times can be quite aggravating.

Also all this stuff can seriously hamper your social life. Yesterdays events clashed with the GB Water-kingdom event and also the Mumbai Scrabble club tournament.

Reeds reading your post on the Water-kingdom event made me realise how insensitive you tend to be towards people, like me, who are ‘dimensionally challenged’). I also sensed an undercurrent of age bias in your mails all of which actually makes me kind of gald that I could not make it yesterday. Someday I hope that you people will realise that we are just like any of you. (perhaps any two of you put together). A bit of compassion and understanding would go a long way towards making us feel that you are ready to accept us – spare tyres and all.

Next stop! The Now Showing competition on the 19th. It involves presenting the title of a released English / Hindi movie in the form of a tableau on stage. I’m actively looking out for volunteers who will come up on stage to depict Brokeback Mountain.

Young ready and willing Baawaa bois, get in touch and let’s show them how it’s done!

Look around you, They are Everywhere.

2006-03-02T02:25:00.000-08:00

It’s just that we do not even recognise them or realise the plight of these people. The starving destitute and abandoned urban male, neglected by all, including their loved ones, theirs is the story that will never feature on the human interest segment of the 9 o clock news.

I came across one such individual yesterday and I can safely say having seen the hopelessness that overcomes these people it took me under a minute to commit myself to doing whatever I can to help alleviate their suffering.

For so long during the evening in an endless loop I could hear Phil Collins voice on the i-pod implanted in my brain rendering his classic “Another day in Paradise”. That’s how high the Guilt factor was!

They don’t dress or look different. They are ordinary gay guys like you and I. It is just that fate and circumstance have conspired to land them in a situation where they feel obliged to look to others for help.

It’s not a situation that they like being in. Years of conditioning and over-indulgence have changed them and made them unfit to handle the stress and trauma that plays heavy on their mind and psyche; to the point that even the few feeble attempts that they make to free themselves from this hell fail. Fail Completely! This in turn shatters their already low self esteem.

Even as I prepared to go to sleep last night I mumbled a short prayer to the Big Boi up there, thanking him for saving me from this fate. Never before had I seen my single status as being a positive in my life. Yesterday I saw the Dark Side of Long Term Relationships.

It was not a pretty sight

So D, next time the Boy-friend decides to go “maikae”, be rest assured that I will walk that extra mile to see that you do not go to bed hungry.

Gypsy Rose to Dessert Queen

2006-02-28T19:34:00.000-08:00

If he were a genuine Doctor he would probably have his degree revoked for what he did.

Nevertheless from One Fake Doc to another a Huge THANK YOU (I seem to be doing a lot of that these days don't I) for once more bringing into my life the decadent pleasure of a crisp toast with a layer of Golden Syrup.

Please Note that in compliance with my diet conditions I ensured that I used BROWN bread (it's healthy naah!) and did not use any butter between toast and syrup.

I realise that I should as a consequence probably spend the rest of my day today on a diet of orange juice (diluted) and apples (two, medium sized). The problem is I'm invited to dinner tonight and I am taking the dessert which I know will, on its own, ruin my calorie counter for the rest of the week.

That coupled with the fact that I flagged about 6 different desserts that I need to try out before Sunday's competition.

Suddenly I think taking part in a Choolate Dessert making competition seems like a very bad idea.

The only reason that I got in was because the female who was co-ordinating with Cadburys insisted that the winner would be crowned the Cadbury Dessert Queen in front of 4000 people on the 21st.

Ir*fucking*resistable!

Some for all and the rest for some

2006-02-27T00:46:00.000-08:00

Been receiving those annoying calls from the Customer Service guys at Honda.

About 2 years back when I was shopping for a new set of wheels I had inadvertently given my phone number to them

Now I am suffering the consequences of that one moment of madness!

Every third day!

Any way the next time she calls up I am planning to ask her if they will offer a trade-in for my existing vehicle.

The problem is that I am at present unable to decide which car to pretend I am offering for the buy back offer.

I’ve narrowed the choice down to three vehicles.

I now put it to you, my loyal readers, (both of you three as my school Hindi teacher used to say) to help me make the final choice and the line that I use.

The first is “The first car that my father had bought when I was 10. I really do not want to trade it in but, you see, getting spares for this car is now becoming very difficult. Which is why I am thinking of trading in the family heirloom – the priceless Fiat 1100.”

The second option is “the car that I Juust bought last year, but you know after that rains in Bombay last year the car I realised that all these foreign cars are very expensive to maintain. Plus the price of petrol is also going up no.. so I think I want to sell off my Mercedes 200”

The classic of course is “You know, I got this when I passed by B.A. (First Class but not distinction – so sad naa…) I even once went all the way to Madh Island on this. It is soo reliable and easy to use and all that I really don’t want to get rid of it… but you know all this pollution and all today I think a A/c car is so much better no… That is why I want to exchange my Kinetic Luna.

Thank god for the Guys at Ichiban, at least they have managed to get me out of the down phase that I am in.

Some seeds that I had planted a few months back finally blossomed last week.

Down, not because I regret what I did, but because, as usual, I have been misunderstood. I have always believed that especially when one is doing work on a voluntary cause, you need to make that little extra effort to make sure that it is done effectively and well.

To use the argument that because a task has been done without any remuneration being received, you are not liable to being judged or immune to criticism for a botched up job, is not something that I can accept.

I could have brought this up myself (I SHOULD have brought this up myself) but I was as usual unsure of how my criticism would be received (The crotchety old Baawa at it again). So often have I seen the response to any criticism focus on the messenger rather than the message. That it has happened again does not surprise me. My only regret is that I shied away from doing it myself. By doing that I probably tainted a couple of friends who do not deserve to be so treated.

In hindsight, I am glad that my name did come up – the hell with the consequences.

When you believe in something, you need to take a stand.

To V and W

2006-02-25T16:35:00.000-08:00

A casual phone conversation with Doc and he asked me if I had met up with Wiks (who is in town).

V and W. More than anyone else these two guys were responsible for turning this fat ugly and shy homo into the fat ugly and brazenly shameless fag that I am today.

Society may of course wish to condemn them for having created this monster, but, for myself, I will always be grateful to both of them for having been a part of my life and having helped me get to where I am today.

Being the kind of guy that I am, I may never have gotten around to having acknowledged this, so bright and early on a Sunday morning (well maybe not so bright but certainly very early) I would like to say a very public and an extremely heartfelt

THANK YOU

Deja-vu

2006-02-18T23:43:00.000-08:00

Finally managed to see the complete video of the new Madonna single.

"Muje maf kao", but I got the distinct feeling that it is the heterosexual feminist version of a gay internet porn concept called the Baitbus.

A very scary experience

2006-02-16T19:47:00.000-08:00

When the "First" Indian Gay Stand up Comic decides to come and perform in the city you cn be sure that all of Bombay's Beautiful Bois will turn up.

They Did!

Taking their cues from the Guys abroad a lot of Bombay’s fabulous "persons' have taken up a new kinky little pass-time. No it’s not dirty drugs or unsafe body-games – It’s Blogging.

At some point the place looked like a Bloggers meet – that’s how bad it was.

Had a great time and was most certainly thinking of commenting on Vidhur and his show out here till tragedy struck.

OK! I’m a Johnny-cum-lately in this field so I was not aware of the whole hierarchy structure that obviously exists in this arena (You can hardly call a place filled with so many vicious wild cats anything else).

As I was downing my third Roasted Almond (No! it was not a martini and certainly Not a sour-apple martini). I was approached by this guy whose blog is de-rigueur reading for the community.

Casual conversation and wrapped in a whole cloud of politically correct posturing was made a very veiled threat.

“Do Not even think about writing about this on your blog. Leave this for the masters”

Even as I was listening to this, deep inside my head I could hear a bastardized version of my pa-in-laws famous line.

Rishtey me to hum tumhare Baap lagte hai. Naam hai, Vikster.

EEEWWWWW!!!! It's sticky as well

2006-02-16T01:17:00.000-08:00

MICHAEL Jackson’s famous white glove is being auctioned on eBay — with the starting price set at $250,000.

The online description reads:
This is a glove to be worn in concert as there are no stones on the palm side, so holding the microphone and manipulating the fedora hat is easier.“On the back side of the glove are hundreds of rhinestones individually sewn on.
This glove is a significant piece of pop history.”
Potential buyers are warned the piece is not in perfect condition.“The palm side is visually stained through use.”

"Stained" like Monica Levinskys littlle dress?

Valentine too...

2006-02-14T10:07:00.000-08:00

Got this though the mail today and somehow felt obliged to post it .

Happy Valentine

...and may you also forever have your pants open for that special someone (especially if you are a Gay as this guy)

Madam:

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Bangaloru. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay.

Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you.

I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.

If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours

The Triumph of True Love

2006-02-14T09:23:00.000-08:00

Today, as the sun sets on another Valentine day, I am determined to post the Modern Day Fairy Tale.

This is a story that I have started writing very often but invariably given up on because it never really came out the way I wanted it to. (So you will excuse me if it does not meet the “high” standards of my regular posts)

The ultimate 21st century story of the triumph of True love in the face of adversity and opposition.

A young lad asked his teacher as to what he should include in a short story that he was to write and the teacher told him that a good story includes three main components. Sex, Royalty, Suspense. This story has all of them and more it also has Deceit and Death.

This is not your conventional love story where the Handsome Prince and the Charming Princess ride into the sunset and live happily ever after. In fact, in real life the Beautiful Princess is also the Evil Witch and is she that dies a terrible death leaving the prince, no longer the young dashing Knight in Shining armour, to go back to his one true love, the plain looking maiden.

The story does teach us that even in this shallow world where skin deep beauty reigns paramount, and media manipulation happens with every photo-op, there is still hope that in the end all of this is ephemeral and what passes the test of time is “dull and boring” commitment and love against the odds.

The story of Charles, Camilla and “Lady” Di(e).

Forced into a marriage to the one he did not love Charles remained loyal to his one true love, while on the other hand the “wife” sought for herself the “favours” of half the men in the country.

And if that were not enough she had the audacity to go on to Television and complain of how her marriage was crowded out by the presence of the Other Woman. Funny how she never mentioned the multitude of “other men” that populated the scene as well.

Charles got a lot of flak for his alliance with Camilla, but the point remains that never did he stray from his woman, and even in the face of popular opposition he persisted and today has managed to have her publicly by his side.

Many decades ago his grand Uncle gave up the Throne to be by the side of the woman he loved. Somehow I think if forced to make a similar choice Charles would do the same.

This is what true love is about!

Something Bitter, Something Sweet...

2006-02-10T00:12:00.000-08:00

Two things that I came across in a couple of e-mails that I recieved over the last couple of days.

I do not normally get into the whole Fw mode but both of these struck a chord somewhere deep inside.

The first aptly titled "Mother Meri" is an obviously sarcastic take off on the present political scenario.

The other is far more profound. It's about vision, it's about selfless charity and planning for a future that may or may not include you but still caring enough about it.

In a society where everyone is only thinking about tomorrow. Where are the people who now that the New Year Party is done are actively planning for Valentines Day. How about looking ahead and planning well ahead for the NEXT New Year.

In a political scenario where all the people are only looking ahead to the next election in 2008 how about looking ahead to 2020.

The last visionary leader that we had was Rajiv Gandhi. Long before the millennium was upon us he was thinking of 2000 and beyond. Unfortunately he was an absolute failure as a politician. Perhaps the rot had already set in and he was already a misfit in a world that was populated by the VP Singhs of the world who today has the audacity to say that he had never accused Rajiv of being corrupt.

Does nobody plant trees they themselves will never sit under?

Things that make you go Huh??

2006-02-09T05:12:00.000-08:00

HOLIDAY!

Since most of the Private sector world was not taking the day off I had fixed up with the computer guy to come over and clean up the system. Plus I also had a whole lot of forms and stuff that I had to finish off for the 21st March Baawa Bash. All in all I expected to be in for most of the day.

Plus I was had been getting very nasty looks from Arjun (my Driver plus house keeper plus Man Friday) since Monday when he came in and realised that I had gone Grocery Shopping over the weekend despite the fact that freezer was overflowing with a whole lot of stuff that I had not yet consumed.

So cooking was on the agenda as well.

One of the reasons why the cooking thing was not happening in a regular fashion was because I had last time picked up some fish fillets that I wanted to try my hand at. No ordinary boiled fish made in to a salad for this guy! Patra ni machi was on the menu and I was determined to try and make it.

When I wanted to do it over the weekend I realised that I had no chutney in the house. So yesterday I had made sure that Mr. A picked up all the bits and pieces and keep it ready for the Master CHEF. (Stop sniggering you bitch – Go and change some nappies)

Had one of them this afternoon. OK so I’m not going to win the Colony Cordon Bleu sash this year but it was not inedible. OK so if this was the quality of the stuff that Godiwalla had served at Juniors Navjote, Sis and Bro-in-law would have slaughtered her at the Colaba Agiary itself.

Nope, let me be the first to admit it – this baby needs some desperate working on. What was important was I had gotten over my morbid fear of even attempting any Baawa Dish.

Next time any of you guys come over for dinner –expect full lagan-nu-bhonu (For the ignorant ones, that do not understand Baawa, that it the traditional Baawa Wedding feast menu).

Working in the kitchen I had the TV on most of the time and some of the snippets of news that I caught just make me wonder how we as a nation can ever succeed.

Here’s some of the gems.

The MP Minorities commission has filed a plea with the court to BAN Rang de Basanti. The reason? There is a scene where it supposedly “displays a religious symbol along with a semi-nude actor.

The Indian Posts is asking the Government to Ban all Courier companies from accepting any mail less than half a kilo because it is cutting into their business and making the Indian Posts loose money. To add to that they have suddenly realised in fact that by delivering ANY letters the Couriers are in fact committing an offence since the Indian Postal Code has reserved the delivery and distribution of ‘letters’ for the Post. There is an extremely interesting comment on this on rediff. Check it out!

The Left Front is meeting in Kolkatta to finalise its Charter of Demands to be presented to the Government before the next Co-ordination Committee Meeting. Some of their demands
Re-introduce the Capital Gains Tax and Estate duty
Hike the Income tax rates, and Excise and Customs Duties.
Give the ‘poor’ farmers a higher rate so that they may be more inclined to remain un-productive.
Hike Government Salaries and Pensions so that the Sarkari Baabus get a bigger piece of the pie for sitting on their collective asses.

Some little TV Starlet in Juhu committed Suicide and that makes the Headlines. This one is a good friend of the late Nafisa Joseph who killed herself a couple of years back.
At that time the whole fraternity of Ramp Bimbos had yelled and screamed for the head of her ex-boyfriend for driving her to taking the direct flight to Down Under. I wonder which poor sod is going to get his butt roasted this time around.

Baby’s Big 30 party (What! you thought I was NOT going to talk about it?). Have you noticed how all the comments about him and that woman have come from HER friends? Considering that for so many years she was SOOOOO!!!! particular about not talking about her private life isn’t it a bit unusual the amount of publicity that is happening this time. Me thinks the woman is getting desperate. Plus obviously that mother-in-law of mine is actively promoting this one.

What is surprising is that there is absolutely no mention at all about the best gift that he received this time (NO! It was not me tied up in yellow ribbon but close enough).

Off to the Gym. Hitler (aka my Trainer) has been making threatening noises about changing the routine and pushing the level “up a few notches”.

AAAAHHHH! The price one has to pay for a few moments of sinful pleasure.

POP Trivia Quiz

2006-02-05T03:53:00.000-08:00

What is the man in the Picture trying to do?

a. Presenting the 21st century version of the old Roman classic story of Nero fiddling while Rome Burns.

b. Auditioning for a new job since there is a distinct possibility that he may have to resign from his current job soon.

c. Showing the Deoras family that they are not the only ones who have the skills needed to play musical instruments.

d. Making an ass of himself.

e. All of the above.

Winners will be given a "Best of Vilasrao" CD Compilation of his remixes of songs from his Sons movies.

A tale of Two cities

2006-02-04T02:18:00.000-08:00

Did a day trip to Bangalore yesterday (No I was not there to attend the Swearing in ceremony).

Once again I realised that more and more Bombay (sorry Mumbai is part of the story of its decline) seems to be loosing the Battle with the other cities to call itself the Commercial (or any other) capital of this country. At times I am even inclined to think that there is some sort of a conspiracy where some of the Politicians of our state are being offered inducements to drag the city into the dumps.

Hearing all the hype on the TV over the last couple of days I was not ready to take the car and leave it at the Airport as I normally do for these trips. Got into one of those rickety ill-maintained cabs. All the old and dilapidated cabs that Delhi has ruled as being unfit have been brought down to Mumbai and most of them are designated to the Airport duty.

Fortunately at 5:30 in the morning there were no protestors. Just tons of garbage strewn all over the place. As far as the loos are concerned lets just say the only option for most people was to wait for the flight to take off and then take a leak at 30,000 feet.

Here again the difference between the two cities comes sharply into focus. Bangalore airport (Aerodrome as they still prefer to call it) had hired temp staff to clean up the place and it certainly looked a lot cleaner than amchi Mumbai.

Bombay again is probably the only metro where it is not possible to take a prepaid cab to your destination. Sure, they have the overpriced Private taxis but why can they not have a systematic prepaid yellow cab system. Getting to the airport I paid 110 bucks. On the return trip I paid 200 (why? I am not sure. But I know for some reason their card always seems to show twice the price) and the cabbie still wanted 50 more. If locals get treated this way I dread to think of the fate of firings or even non-Mumbaikars.

Surprisingly Indian Airlines seemed to be working very efficiently yesterday. Smooth hassle free check in and then straight down to the base level to ride in the rickety busses to the plane (aerobridges being the khandani jaidat of the Airport staff were not operational).

Got out of Bangalore and got caught immediately in the traffic jam. What was heartening was seeing that even at 9:30 in the morning the guys were working on the flyover that is coming up out there. Contrasts very sharply with the concretisation that has been going on outside the Imax Theatre in Mumbai. The last time I saw anyone working out there was some time in June (last year).

Went past all the swanky new Malls and Pubs, past the Vidhan Soudha where the preparations were already being made for the Grand Event at Noon. The busses had already started coming in. What was interesting was how well it was being managed. All the BJP supporters (surprisingly I saw very few busses with the Janata Party flags) were being efficiently directed to the Stadium car-park from where they could walk down to the main grounds. Compare this with the kind of chaos that grips Prabhadevi every year on Ambedkar Jayanti (and this despite the fact that they have enough time to prepare for this annual event).

The swanky “new Terminal” of the Domestic Airport. Have a look at it again. Not from the outside. But from the Tarmac side. That is when you realise that all this talk of ‘new’ is merely fragments of glass and steel stuck on to the original structure. The basic structure of the airport is still pretty much the same as it was in the late 60’s.

Perhaps I should not mention this too loudly. The Heritage guys may decide that this structure is a symbol of our glorious past and needs to be preserved and protected much like the defunct mills and chimneys.

I have always felt that Delhi has thrived in the last few years because it is being managed by politicians who owe their allegiance to the people of the city, while Bombay is ruled by “people” who owe their seats and their loyalty to the rural masses of Akola, Satara and Kankavli. But Bangalore proves that it is possible to get a city to thrive even when it is not a self governed City state.

Look at the way the cities manage similar problems.

Illegal structures – Delhi brings out the Bulldozers, Bombay brings out an ordinance.
The Metro project – Mumbai is still haggling over the cost, Delhi is finalising the FOURTH STAGE.
Road Projects – I have yet to see any city in India or outside where a road project is hijacked by conservationists trying to BLOCK its progress by seemingly trying to protect a few random trees. Not in Bangalore, not in Delhi and not even close at hand in Pune. Only in Bombay do we have the unique concept of a road being dissected by a solitary tree.

Driving down the Imax road daily scares me. They have dug half the road and most of rubble is just stacked on the side and the staff that are responsible for the work seem to have gone on a very long leave. Over the last few months, with the bountiful rains that we have had this year, shoots and sapling and weeds have sprouted all over the place. I have this extremely sinking feeling that by the time they get round to restarting work on this project they are going to face stiff resistance from the environmental lobby against cutting down the green cover of this city.

On Wednesday the Left Front leader and Chief Minister of West Bengal publicly apologised for the inconvenience caused by the agitation at the Kolkatta Airport. The best response we got in Bombay to the havoc of the deluge last year was a threat to arrest Anil Ambani and a half-baked plan to ban plastic bags.

The CM and the Deputy CM are forever travelling around promising to make Mumbai into another Shanghai or New York. Please sir, let’s forget about looking West or East (the new Political mantra). Can we please just look up north. Let’s make Mumbai into another Delhi.

Please, pretty please…

Redecorating...

2006-01-29T22:16:00.000-08:00

If you are a poor villager travelling from Interior Maharashtra to Delhi, you would probably need to change trains at some point in time.

For the convenience of the passengers making this Journey the Railways have what are called “retiring rooms” at the Railway Stations.

Not very comfortable, stocked with Colonial British style furniture these places offer the weary commuter minimal comfort and practically no amenities.

For the slightly more sophisticated (aka rich) commuter travelling by air they have the Airport Lounges at the Chatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Vimantal. These lounges offer a slightly better experience to a supposedly more pampered class of our community. Plans are afoot to improve the facilities at these airports but there is a major problem with getting the Commies to consent to giving anything more than a cushion of nails to the “Blood Sucking Capitalist Pigs”.

There is however another class of Commuter. True the journey from Bombay to Delhi is not always fast and certainly not direct.

The advantage that these gentlemen have is that they certainly get a very luxurious place to cool their butt while the wait for the connection to come through.

Ladies (I hope there are at least a few women who are reading this) and Gentlemen, Behold the latest innovation in Transit luxury – THE RAJ BHUVAN.

Mr. Shinde seems to have finally got his flight from Mumbai to Delhi – so what if it involved a couple of months lay-over at Hyderabad.

Mr. Krishna is however waiting for his confirmation to come through. Rumour has it that he is a bit peeved at not having got his flight yet and has threatened to take a return flight back to Bangalore (have they changed the name of the place yet?).

Watching the news yesterday was very upsetting. One after another the whole bunch of new inductees on camera pledged their allegiance to the Lady in charge and incidentally thanked Mannu bhai for complying with the dictates of his boss.

I have some suggestion for Madam for the next time she decides to change the décor of her Kitchen cabinets.

Mr. Buta Singh (who has actually had a pretty long stint in the waiting room at the Bihar Raj Bhuvan) can certainly lend great honour and dignity to the office of Minister of Law.

Mr. Dharam Singh, with his astute knowledge of the Legislative Procedures, would be a shoo-in for the ministry of Parliamentary Affairs with additional charge of Coalition Coordination. (With the option of a stop-over in Hyderabad or Patna).

With the new kid on the Block Narayan Rane desperate to get his butt in to a bigger seat Madam will also have to find a parking place for Mr. Deshmukh. This is a man with tremendous potential. The options available to him for career advancement are numerous and varied.
He could be the Minister in Charge of Urban Development and Infrastructure.
Or if he wants he could opt to head a newly formed GoM (Group of Ministers you ignoramus) to study the issues of changing the law on Euthanasia so that acts like his will not get covered under the clause that handles self abetment of Suicide.
With his families exposure in the field he could also take over the Ministry of Information and Broadcasting. His Bollywood connections would be a huge asset here.

Since Madam heads a coalition Government and swears by the Coalition Dharma it is only fair that she should offer a few seats to some of her loyal allies and partners
Ms. Rabri Devi would be perfect for a new stint at the Ministry of Women and Child Devlopment. With her vast experience in running her family business and her family while her husband was away shows the talent and resources she brings to the office.

Mr. Sitaram Yechury. In the ultimate analysis, shallow as this may sound, LOOKS MATTER. Mr. Y has been fighting a battle within his party as to whether he or Mr. Raja should be given the option of being the first Commie in the UPA Government.

While Mr. Raja certainly has the advantage of higher lung power and the ability to instinctively and automatically reject every suggestion of the Reform lobby he has to suffer for the fact that so many years after it was launched he has made absolutely no effort to try and use Fair and Lovely to improve his appearance. (His contention that it is a Multinational brand product is not really relevant in matters of personal survival NOTING MATTERS).

So please put your hands together (NOT THAT WAY you Chack!!!) for the NEW Finance Minister.

OK let me explain the rationale behind this move. Over the last year or so it has become obvious that at various points the Government has given the impression that it has got its signals crossed. Mr Sibal, aided by some of the babus at the Science and Technology Ministry, have studied the situation and narrowed down the problem to the fact that the situation arises from the use of multiple remote controls. Since Madam refuses to surrender hers the only option left is that the Remote Control given to the Left Front be taken away.

Inducting Mr. Yechury into the Ministry with a posting of his choice was the price that the Congress had to pay for this.

I wonder whether Chidambaram will opt for the Bihar Tour or the Hyderabad layover.

Taking a stand

2006-01-24T00:36:00.000-08:00

It’s getting to that time of the year again.

Every year around the Ides of March I end up taking on the role of a buffoon.

To those nasty souls who lurk in the shadows and read this blog (and call themselves my friends) let me warn you – any comments implying that I am a buffoon 24 x 7 will be reason for me to start making your lives a living hell. SO DESIST.

21st of March is one of the Parsi New Years (we have three). It is also an excuse for the community to “as usual” eat drink and generally have a great time.

One of the Trusts in Dadar has for the last 25 years used the occasion to hold a gala fund raiser for the Trust. As a part of the celebrations there is a stage show that is held on that evening of basically slapstick comedy, dance, and general buffoonery. And yes, for the last few years the heavy load of proving the buffoonery has fallen on my slender shoulders.

It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it. I have to a very large extent enjoyed the experience and going by the fact that I have already started getting asked what I plan to do this time, my work is well appreciated to the point that I can proudly claim to be “World Famous throughout Dadar”. I guess you really have arrived when you get called the Amitabh Bacchhan of DPC. (Now if only I could get Junior to do my bidding life would really be rocking).

Anyway so much for the historical background.

Yesterday was a meeting of the Entertainment Committee and that’s when I found out that this time the stage show is planned as a take off on the Nach Balliye programme. (it’s not something I have ever seen but the general response was quite positive so I went along with the idea).

Then suddenly I realised the role that was being planned for me. I was expected to do a takeoff on Saroj Khan.

While I may be camp in private somehow the idea of cross-dressing in a public forum just bugged me.

To me the idea of coming on to the stage as a later day Bobby Darling was just not an option.

I have always held very strong opinions about the general image of the community in public and for me to pander to the most negative of those images (by equating all gays with cross-dressing transexuals) went against all that I have ever cribbed about.

It’s bad enough that the public perception of the community is seen in terms of the Bobby Darlings of the world for me to take on this role would only reinforce this perception and that is something I am not ready to do.

I called up the co-ordinator this morning and explained to her and she said she understood and would change the script accordingly but deep down I think she felt I had let her down.

I am sure that there is a huge community of activists out there who will insist that by refusing to do this I am also insulting a vast segment of the queer community by refusing to accept them as a being like me.

But that is the whole issue!

I DO NOT IDENTIFY WITH THE BOBBY DARLINGS OF THE WORLD.

I have never in my life seen myself a woman in a mans body looking out for a man to make my sexual experience complete.

To me I am and remain a guy who likes (and loves) men. It’s an all male fantasy and a completely masculine reality. Women and the feminine gender do not figure.

Somewhere along the line I believe that the time has come for the general public to realise that the queer community consist of different shades and types.

The overall queer community may see my actions as something that lets down the whole movement for greater visibility of the community and taking pride in reinforcing the solidarity of the rainbow diversity.

But I do believe I am taking a stand. Taking a valid stand when I say that

I am gay,

I am queer,

I am as good as you

I am different from you.

I am also different from Bobby Darling.

And I am ready to stand up and say so

A Man and his machines. 20 years on.

2006-01-19T08:41:00.000-08:00

Writing about the Original IBM just got me thinking about how much the whole industry has changed in the last twenty odd years.

When IBM first launched their PC they used Charlie Chaplain as the Brand Ambassador for the machine. I wonder if Lenovo would ever try anything so radical today!

I also remember seeing the full page ads that Apple ran at that time welcoming IBM to the party. At that time the Apple II with a built in floppy drive was the machine that serious users bought. “Serious users” talked in a lingo that was alien to most of the other living creature who really did not know what the correct response was to a statement “hey man just do a COPYDIR A:\ DOS : B\”

This was an age when Osborne defined the standards for the portable computer that you could take on the road with you. It cost an obscene amount of money weighed in at around 14 lb and needed a power point to work (no batteries included!)

For the downmarket junta three was of course the original home computer the Sinclair ZX. Less than a hundred dollars and you could hook it up to your television, your cassette player and get started playing Ping.

I think it was also the year that Apple launched the Lisa – the elder sister of Mac the first computer with a mouse. Nerds sneered at the concept – “How dumb do you have to be to need a mouse to do basic tasks like copying files. Just type COPY A:\*.* B:\ That’s so much simpler”

IIT Bombay once more was rife with rumours that we would finally be getting a new computer for the institute. No more batch processing card files on the obsolete Russian EC 1030 (I still can not believe that I could find a link to that machine). The rumours were there all through the five years that I was in the Institute and even when I left we were still going down into the basement with our fingers crossed that the cards had been punched in correctly and the card reader would not suddenly have a glitch and misread line 30 in the classic page generator that you were running.

The upside of this was that I never bought any notebooks during my college years. (Nobody in IIT B did – except freshies and even they caught on very fast)There were legendary programs doing the rounds out there that could flawlessly give you an output of 20 practically blank pages. (The system had a cut off at 20 pages). I remember once we ran multiple strings of these programmes so that we could generate enough paper to put up a huge sign on the hill behind our Hostel to promote our hostels entry in the Cultural competition.

Last year of my stay we got a couple of Intel 8080 machines in the high funda micro-processor lab of the Elec. Dept. Fortunately the guy heading the lab was also my guide for my B Tech project so I could saunter in to the lab at the oddest of hours and do a bit of assembly level programming on the machines. (It’s not for nothing that I was known as an intellectual masturbator in those days).

Then came 1984 and the Mac and perhaps one of the most amazing ad campaigns ever. By then though MSDOS was king and Bill Gates was well on his way to becoming the zillionaire that he now is. The Mac was supposed to change all that.

But just in case. They also launched a cheap and cheerful upgrade to the Apple II – The Apple II C – MY FIRST MACHINE. When I think of the obscene sums that I spent to buy the machine and then smuggle it in I cringe. It’s lying somewhere in an obscure corner and someday I know I will get money for it when they start collecting these as museum pieces.

Somewhere along the line IBM upgraded their machines to the PS/2. They even got a copyright on the term PS/2. – The first serious machine with a hard disk drive.

Close on its heels came the IBM Clones and nothing was ever the same again.
And pirated software. I remember going to my friendly pusher and picking up the early versions of DOS and Wordperfect. Installation was a peach. Only 23 floppy discs that had to be entered in the correct sequence while keeping your fingers crossed that none of them would go bust on you halfway through.

For years after the first versions of Microsoft Word was launched I would still use WP because “Microsoft Programs suck”.

Then came the first tentative versions of Windows. I remember I had one of those beta versions of the Program so I had to always make sure that my computer date was between a period of 3 months that the program would work in.

Actually come to think of it I have not been to my software guy for a very long time now. When Bill finally saw the light and offered XP at a realistic price I switched over to the legal version. With Office having been static for the past 3 – 4 years have not had to change that either. I did talk to Sunil (my Computer peddler) asking him when he expected the Vista to be launched. Can't wait to upgrade!

Also asked him about the new Macs. Got a very stern warning from him about even looking at those machines – “Don’t come to me afterwards crying about the back-up service”. So much for my plans to move on to a “better” machine.

Or perhaps 20 years down the line I am nostalgic about going back to my roots.

Back to the simple Apple rectangular beige box with a single media slot.

Another day... another feather

2006-01-19T06:12:00.000-08:00

As someone who was already in the last year of College when IBM first launched its PC, I never really had any formal training on PC's and PC Software (except for a few courses on FORTRAN and COBOL – Are they still around?).

The Internet revolution was a party I came to pretty late and as such I have never really gotten down to getting any formal training in Web skills.

Which is one of the reasons I feel pretty proud of myself today.

*Flashback*

Got a frantic call yesterday morning from Butki (if she were a few years younger I would grab her as my fag hag).

The Bombay Hash Harriers are hosting the National Hash in the Western region this year and details of the event were to have been put up on the website. Originally it was planned that her son (while on vacation from Amrika) would do the needful. Obviously that did not happen and Charlie boy has “gone back to states” (mother and son are both going to kill me for implying that either of them talk in this fashion). Anyway with time running out it was decided that in the Land of the blind (and bland) the one eyed (and flamboyant fag) would be KING (admit it you expected me to say QUEEN here didn’t you?).

“We need the details up on the site pronto”. I really did not have the heart to tell her that I have never before in my life designed a web page or done any significant HTML programming. Basically “ijjat kaa sawaal hai”.

Procrastinated as usual. Somehow I get the feeling Butki knows me too well by know because promptly at 4 in the afternoon (since she knows that the Stock markets shut at 3:30) she called back to remind me that I had to get started on it. And she added the absolute clincher. “Should I ask one of Mihir’s (sonny boy) friends to help you out”.

That DID IT! Armed with a Bottle of diet Pepsi I got started.

Checked out the old site. Extremely minimalist and very, very boring. Opened Front page, downloaded smart FTP, BACKED UP EVERYTHING! And then, started making the first few tentative changes.

By 2 this morning I was cruising along with the final touches to the SPANKING NEW BH3 site.
Brilliant if I have to say so myself (The photo pages give you an idea of the original site design- done by guys who studied all this in School and College and are studying some more of this in some obscure Univ. in USA).

*End of Flashback*

Seriously pat on the Back time.

Now I need to get started on designing some nice sexy gay porn site and making me some serious pink dollars. I am looking for volunteer models. I know there is one image of an Indian ex-slut in tight black shorts that I have already downloaded. Care to do a whole series darling?? Promise I will not tell the Boy!

2 days to go...

2006-01-12T22:23:00.000-08:00

Missed the signatures this year!

Last year since I had run for the Tsunami Relief fund I had managed to get a Bib number autographed by Kapil Dev who was one of the reps of the sponsors.

I remember a chat I had with the guys from BPL at that time. It seems Go FM was auctioning 50 entries to the Run (with funds being collected for the Tsunami Relief) and at the same time they were also auctioning the Kingfisher Calendar. It seems the Calendar got higher bids than the Charity. Says a lot about the City, and not very nice things either.

This time round I’m running as an ordinary guy- so no signed bib.

In any case just on the off-chance that any of you guys turn on the Television look for the bib number. Yes M, I will try and come in the first 500 (you were not serious about the top 5 were you?)

I wish the Pink run thing had taken off but it just I guess it is too much to expect a bunch of fags to get out "early" on a Sunday Morning after a Party on Saturday Night.

What is it with GB that they make it a point to organize a party on the night before the Marathon? They had done it last year as well and again this time.

Could they not have done it as a Post run Brunch at Karma? If nothing else it would have given me the excuse to come out there in my skimpy addidas and show off them calves.

Tried to pull a fast one at the gym yesterday. I suggested that since I was running the race I should perhaps take thing easy for the next couple of days. The only thing that prevented me from being swept away in a Tsunami of abuse was the presence of a few lady members in the room. These guys have no idea of the kind of effort we need to put in for this marathon run.

Wish I was a tad older. That way I could have run in the Senior Citizens run and ‘mingled’ with the Baby B who will be flagging off the run. Seriously, but they could have had any ugly codger for that run and none of the cataract ridden, toothless codgers would have been any the wiser. (Thank God my aunt does not know I write a blog! I would be dead meat after that comment)

Prime Beef should have been reserved for the Dream Runners. Wouldn’t I like that on my plate – with or without dressing? Actually could I have him packed up as a take-away?

Saala Gaali detaa hai...

2006-01-10T07:07:00.000-08:00

That was my first reaction when I read CT’s description of me.

Me! A ‘family man’?

I have never really seen myself as one and most certainly there are vast sections of my family and social circle who would die if they were to ever hear that being said about the ‘anti-social’ person 'completely lacking in people skills' that they have always portrayed me as.

I realise I have changed over the past few years. There was a time when family functions meant changing my schedule to make sure that mom got the car and driver to take her wherever she had to go.

Part of the reason for my not wanting to go for these family do’s was that long after my mom had given up there were still some kindly souls who felt it was their life’s goal to get me married, or at least to inquire as to when I would be walking up the stairs to put my slender neck into the matrimonial noose.

At some point you get tired of giving the stock answers of “Oh I need to get settled first”, “Elder sister first”… The classiest one was of course when I pointed out that I did not want to subject any young girl to the trauma of having to live with my mother. That got a lot of sympathetic nods from Dad’s side of the family and a reiteration from mom that I was free to find a place of my own once I got married.

Once mom passed away though, everything changed. While I could still avoid the sundry weddings, unavoidable were the funerals. I’m not really sure if this is only a Baawa thing or pretty much a Pan Indian phenomenon but at funerals attendance is noted and absence is commented on. Works for me actually. Go there, sit in silence, pay your respects to the family and scoot. No socialising, no casual conversations, minimal interaction. Totally my kind of event.

And if in case anyone now dares to even raise the wedding question I have the absolute clincher of a response. “Aunty, would you want your daughter to get married to an out of work 45 year old bald guy?” Works! Every time!!

In a way though I guess I have been fortunate enough to be able to get out of the rat race at an early age. To me this is an opportunity to do something that gives me satisfaction.

For the life of me I can not see myself as part of some NGO fighting for the rights of an underprivileged minority. I have always believed that this is a segment that is very well represented and well served by a horde of more compassionate souls. There is however a vast segment out there that is not desperately needy but can still do with support.

Kids today are once such segment. Not the poor homeless street kids but kids from decent homes, with well meaning parents who in their desire to give their kids, and themselves, the best that they can often do not have the time to spend with them. Not the uber-rich whose kids are neglected because the parents are not concerned but kids like I was when I was growing up.

I see this more as an elder-brother programme. It’s what got me involved with the whole Kids Summer Camp programme, the Zo-child programmes and also the All Parsi Sports. For someone who never indulged in any physical activity as a kid I find it exciting to get involved with these kids in a variety of social activities.

We have a 15 year cut-off for these summer camps and there is a whole bunch of guys who will get the axe this year. Was chatting with them during the Z-child thing and realised that none of them wants to get thrown out. So I am trying to work out if we can take a few of them along with us this year as Junior Volunteers. Get them to work on the opposite side of the fence for a change – germinate some seeds of leadership in a way.

Right now I have got a negative response from the Boss of the camp but as any of my intimate acquaintances will confirm when I set my mind to it I can charm the pants off any guy.

Family man? I think not!!!

BIG BRUDDER!! Yo man – right ON!!

Thank God for the weekends...

2006-01-07T01:53:00.000-08:00

Came in to Pune yesterday. Brought an aunt, a cousin and three nephews along with me.

Chaos started even before we hit the expressway. Ordering 5 breakfasts at McDonalds was not a joke since two would not eat anything with cheese, an aunt insisted on tea without sugar (Mc does not do them it seems!).

Once we hit the road things improved - Traffic wise at least. My peace of mind lasted for about 20 minutes till Nephew No. 1 turned around and asked his mom why the cops were not tailing us despite the fact that we were about 100 km/hr above the speed limit (I forgot that this bunch has just relocated from Silicon Valley USA to Silicon Valley, Karnataka). Cousin and aunt both went ballistic. As a result I had to drive the rest of the distance under 120. There were Wagon R’s that were threatening to overtake me- that’s how demeaning the experience was.

The whole week has been pretty much a disaster. Slept through the New Year (Yes Vikram, I know they were playing fantastic music at Karma but I really could not enthuse myself to come down there). Sunday morning was the silver lining on the week long dark cloud. Went and saw a matinee show after eons. Bluffmaster. Can't think of a better way to start a year than in the company of AB’s Baby in a dark and nearly empty theatre.

Went back to my regular Gym on Monday. Got the ‘expected’ firing and the sarcastic “we knew you would never be able to keep up” looks from a whole bunch of preening Adonis (what’s the term for more than one of them?).

Sis was back in Town for some work on Tuesday. A wasted trip because one of the guys we were supposed to meet at 11 in the morning only turned up at 1:00. Spent the evening at home in the company of a few neighbors some of whom are down from the States and Canada for their holidays. Since the damn thing was fixed at my house had to get things organized – net result No GYM.

Wednesday was spent attending the funeral of one of Dads cousins. For a man in his late eighties he was certainly looked fit enough when I had met him a few weeks back at the Navjote so getting the news of his passing away was certainly a shock. Came back pretty low so –NO GYM.

Woke up on Thursday with a bad cold and a mild fever, which got progressively worse through the day. Despite medication, by evening the only option available was to go to the Docs and get a shot. SO NO GYM.

Friday morning I left for Pune so…

Tried something really bold yesterday evening. Took all four nephews (Ashdin and the three NRIs) to a Toy shop. Managed to survive with at least a scrap of my credit allowance intact. There was a point though where it was a close fight as to which would die first – their demands or my credit rating.

The Gang of four pretty much managed to keep me away from the computer all of yesterday and would have done a repeat today as well except for the fact that since they had gotten up early this morning and the reception will carry on till late tonight they have all been told in no uncertain terms that they have to sleep for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Thank God I do not have a mother to lay down such rules for me as well.

There is more of the family expected later. There’s a cousin from Bangalore who could not come down for the Navjote so will be coming in today for the reception. All in all it should be a fun weekend.

Stocktaking

2005-12-30T23:48:00.000-08:00

31st December. It’s time to take stock of the year gone by.

It’s time to gloat over the highs and crib about the lows of the past twelve months. The events of the last month are actually too fresh in my mind to count as history, so while they may be the highlight of the year, they do not get recounted here.

Some vignettes of the year gone by.

My Trip to Ladakh.
Fantastic experience though I regretted the fact that I was too timid to take the Manali Leh bus option in the absence of a confirmed booking.
Flying in to Leh – mind-blowing!

Flying out – take some sedatives before you leave for the airport.
It takes about three hours of lead time for a flight that takes less than an hour. Blew my top at some ABCD who tried to cut ahead of me in the security check line. Did wonders for my ability to sit out the next 45 minutes in the security area.

My Birthday holiday in the Konkan.
This was my off year so no Party. Drove down to some amazing beaches along the Konkan. Goa is way too over-rated. The beaches in Maharashtra are way better, cleaner and less crowded.

All that being said I ended up spending the Birthday in Goa itself because like so much else in Maharashtra, we as a state can never develop the infrastructure to match the potential.

The idea of spending the birthday in a situation where I have to have dinner and retire to bed (alone!!! I might add) by 9 in the evening was way too unacceptable.

Goa certainly had a lot more to offer besides the sun, sand, and sea that Tarkarli did.

Managing to break the 90 K barrier on the downside.
Considering that I started the year at 102 getting down to 86 was a major achievement. A lot of sweat and hard work had gone into getting there. The downside was that post 9/11 (2005 that is) circumstances conspired against me which tipped the scales upwards to the point where I am today back at 92.

Comparative snaps of me on a camel in Pushkar last year and in Ladakh this year.

Considering though that the last month has been a dietary disaster I guess I should be grateful for the fact that I managed to keep the weight flat through that tumultuous period.

Taking the NSE Certification Exams.
Considering that I was going into student mode for the first time in over 2 decades, I think I managed pretty well. 70+ in one and 80+ in the other. I guess I still got what it takes to be a geek.

The fact that all the cramming for the exams happened only in the last 48 hours shows that while a part of me has matured (I had carefully planned the two exams with a months gap between the two) at heart I am still the immature kid that pushes deadlines to the furthest point only to see at which point I start to panic.

The last month! (Sorry could NOT resist putting it in)
One of the best times of the year –without a doubt. The Downside is that with all the paperwork that has been piling up over the period, the next month is going to be a bitch.

Live 8.
Entertainment beyond compare! Watching and listening to the bands and the music that I grown up on was amazing. Would have loved to have able to been live at any of the venues.
The Downside was of course having to see a sexy band like Duran Duran as senior citizens. Plus the fact that they showed Pet Shop Boys only do one number.

Live 8 also features on the list because it pretty much broke the writers block that I had succumbed to. For those of you who may have not had the (mis)fortune of having been e-mailed that one I am posting it.

New Addictions!
The Hash Harrier thing started nearly two years back so that does not count.
This year the commitment to doing the Dream Run surprised me. A friend was supposed to get me registered and then missed the deadline so was on the verge of giving up when the Tsunami struck. The net result was that they opened up a special category of registrations for guys donating for the cause. I don’t think I have ever sent in an SMS as fast as I did this one.
Seriously looking forward to the run this year. And working towards the next target of doing a half marathon before I am 50.

Blogging!!
Has to feature in the list. Came late to the party but knowing me I will catch up with the rest pretty soon. A friend who reads this and makes rude comments about them in public has been pushing me to save all these posts with the idea that I can at some time publish these as a book. (and you still believe I (!) have the Sindhi genes).

With all these new distractions have missed out on my Scrabble Tournaments. I don’t do great in these pretty much because I refuse to buy and cram the Scrabble Dictionary. Which is why I very often forget that Koa, Koi, Kon and Kyu are all vaid word forms. As are Qadi, Qaid, Qats and Qoph. But I do enjoy the tournaments and am determined to make time for them this year.

No plans for tonight!
Big negative. The idea of being a wallflower at Karma cribbing about the senseless music is way too off-putting. The only upside is that there will be a lot of familiar faces there and you want that at the start of a New Year. Though there’s 11 hours to go and knowing me that’s time enough for things to change.

PS Here is evidence of what a free half hour provoked yesterday. A New Look for the New Year.

Breaking the Block

2005-12-30T23:41:00.000-08:00

In case you are wondering why no leg of the Live 8 concert was scheduled in India here for the first time is the real story!

Bob Geldof originally planned to have a leg of the concert in Amchi Mumbai but gave up on the idea when he heard of the ordinance planned by the State Government which would require the organizers having to pay a tax of Rs. 2,500/-- per lakh of African Debt that was paid off or cancelled.

The next choice of the Bangalore Palace Grounds ran into a hurdle when a fringe militant group insisted that they would not let any artiste from Maharashtra perform unless the State Government of Maharashtra agreed to give up its claims on Belgaum district. Seeing them the Kanada Krishi Kamitee (KKK) insisted that they would stage a dharna against the show unless Tamil Nadu agreed to release its claim on the Cauvery waters.

Delhi unfortunately was never an option since the Left Front had made it clear that any performance that was used to retire government debt of a Foreign Country would be a clear breach of the UPA Common Minimum Programme. Sitaram Yechury went on record to say that if any person tries to sing at the Jawaharlal Nehru grounds the Left Front would immediately start barking and may even get down to sniping at the heels of the UPA. Mr. Raja categorically stated that this was a sinister plan by Multinational Companies to take over the Peoples Movement within the country which for years had been the private preserve of the Left Front.

Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav withdrew his offer to host the event in Patna when he realized that all the funds collected would be distributed outside of Bihar."Ee kaisee na-insafee ki hamre Bihar me hum Tamasha karvaye aur paisaa auroo ko mile?"

Plans to host the event in Luknow fell through when the proposed Chairman for the event Mr. Amar Singh saw that in the seating arrangements planned for the event "Bade Bhaiya" Amitabh would have to sit in the eight row.

Dr. J. Jayalalita categorically went on record to say that she would not permit any performance by any artiste in Tamil Nadu unless they agreed to perform only in Tamil. "This whole show is merely another sinister attempt by the Centre to impose Hindi on the ancient Tamil culture and we will ensure that it does not succeed".

At the national level protests were also lodged by the Shiv Sena who threatened to destroy the stage at any venue planned if any Pakistani artiste were invited to perform.

The BJP also objected to the plans for the event claiming that it was a sinister plot to undermine traditional Indian culture by allowing artistes in skimpy clothes dancing to music played on "western instruments". Sushma Swaraj lamented that this was to be expected from a party led by a foreigner who had no idea of our Glorious Indian Traditions.

An idle mind...

2005-12-30T23:33:00.000-08:00

To all of you who are bored with the three wise men in the background of all my webcam snaps I promise I will move them elsewhere in the New Year

Wishlist for the New Year

2005-12-27T10:16:00.000-08:00

No way am I going to ask for World Peace or an end to poverty. This list is about Personal Gratification. This is totally Hedonistic and altogether about ME.

It's a list of the 10 top desires that I wish I can fulfill in the next year. So all of you who forgot to buy me stuff for Christmas I've just made life a lot easier for you.

Most of it is stuff that money can buy (except for the No. 1) so it should not be too difficult for any of you to get them for me.

Give me any of these things before the New Year and I will forgive you:-

At the bottom of the list at No. 10 A 32" waist

At this point I'm about 7" away from the target. Nibbled away 4" last year so I guess by the time I qualify for the "dirty old man" title I should be stunning enough to be irresistible to all the young men that I may choose to seduce.

No. 9 Tickets to the Confessions on a Dance Floor Concert

Let me be a tad specific here. I do not want tickets to a show where the likes of Navalkar & Co may be involved as Moral Police.

No. 8 Neuroshell Trader Professional Edition

Probably one of the best charting and analysis programs.

No. 7 St. Athanasios Island

A small little plot of land to rest my weary body on this 2.5 acre plot is available for a steal at around a million USD

No. 6 The Tiburon SE

Lets face it I am a loyal Hyundai customer and I think that despite the fact that this is a manual transmission car I would buy it merely because I love their after sales service. Two door, low slung, leather trim, it's totally my kind of car.

No. 5 The Nikon Coolpix 8800

The old Sony Cybershot is looking seriously dated when compared to the newer cameras available and what makes it even less attractive is the fact that I have the same resolution on my cell phone.

No. 4 Bluetooth™ Music Handsfree HBM-30

It's a fantastic little gizmo that pretty much makes my life at the gym a lot less hassled. An MP3 player with a phone blue tooth integrated into it. It's a combination that is as perfect as vanilla ice-cream and chocolate sauce. If I get this I promise I will not ask for the new O2 phone.

No. 3 The Thinkpad XTablet

Ok so the sticker says Lenovo but we all know that behind it is the BIG Blue. If you have to go mobile you have to do it in style. And NOTHING says style more than a Tablet (The carbon alloy Ferrari laptop - maybe).

No. 2 The Apple MacMini

Yeah I know you are going to say that Apples and IBM do not mix. But honestly they are more compatible than we give Microsoft credit for (they own Apple after all). Though the reason that the Mac figures on my list is because IBM do not make as sexy a desktop machine and Apple make very dull laptops.

And at No. 1

Need I say more.

Christmas Cheer

2005-12-25T00:39:00.000-08:00

It’s that time of the year when everybody starts posting very kitschy messages about spreading goodwill and good cheer all around.

Would probably have done the same except that with the exception of a couple of hours on Friday spent at the Club at a Christmas Party this whole weekend has been about my Zoroastrian Roots and my family.

Saturday was D-day. The Nephews Navjot. Given that I am the last leaf on the Doctor Family tree it’s always been an issue in the family that the leaf was painted pink and was unwilling to make any efforts at sprouting new shoots.

So the nephew gets pretty much all the attention from a Doc Baawa Biradari that has not had too many occasions to congregate and celebrate in the past few years. Since sis is not married Local all the ceremonies were run out of Me Casa.

6:30 in the morning and a whole contingent of friends turned up armed with stencils and coloured chalk to start the rangoli from the ground floor main gate to the 2nd floor landing. And a wonderful job they did. Thanks Dinoo. I promise to reciprocate at your daughters wedding. Breakfast stretched into a champagne brunch followed by lunch and by 3:00 we were all set to leave for the Baug. A dozen Cars filled with Uncles, Aunts, Cousins and neighbours who have become family over the course of so many decades of living together. Moving along in a convoy from Dadar to Colaba along a route that had been analysed and debated all morning so as to take into account the traffic and Municipal road-works.

The ceremony took an hour. The planning for this had started more than four years back. Mom was still very much a part of the picture at that time and while we knew that she was ailing we were hoping that she would have been around to see her grandson inducted into the faith. Missed her terribly yesterday. But I know that sitting up there with Dad by her side they would both have been overjoyed at seeing Ashdin don his first kusti.
Drank, Danced, caught up with people I had not seen for years, and ate. There’s something about Baawas and food. We had been hogging something or the other non-stop since morning and yet the moment the aachar and rotli were served we attack it like we were breaking a week long fast.

Got back way past midnight and crashed out till around 6:15 this morning when Mithoo darling calls up to check what time I am bring the principal characters over to the Hall so that they could check out the lighting issues. Also made some last minute changes to the slides to be used and got back to the School by 8 in time to go into costume and make-up. Over 50 people to be painted up as marble statues when we boarded the bus we pretty much looked like a troupe of Kabuki Dancers.

Suddenly it was 12:30 and we were up on stage. Getting our cues right, getting off stage rushing to the green rooms and getting into a new set of costumes and a complete change of make-up and then back in the wings again in time for our next entry cue, most of the show is a complete blur.

What I do remember is that at the end of the show we had three curtain calls and a standing ovation from a two thousand strong audience. Suddenly two months of rehearsals every night just did not seem to matter.

What mattered was that we had done it. A show that had had a very successful run over 15 years back had been redone, better (or at least as good as) than the original.

This weekend, as I said, was for me not about Christmas, but about living up to expectations.

This weekend was about coming out of the shadows.

This weekend was about being VIRAF DOCTOR. Not someone’s son or someone else’s brother but about being accepted as me.

And I succeeded.

Which probably explains why after 60 straight hours in which I have slept less than 12 I am still not feeling tired.

Just exhilarated. It’s a high that no amount of booze or substances could ever give.

And it feels great.

A Timeless Gem

2005-12-20T23:36:00.000-08:00

OK So I’m partial to the lady. To all three sisters in fact.

I first heard them long before most of Bombay had since they were a regular on the Adi Marazban Parsi New Year Variety Shows. And like any “not willing to be called eccentric by other Parsis” Baawa Family, Parsi New Year meant going to a Adi Marazban play in the evening.

On stage in these shows she was invariably the other sister, since the focus was always on Uma who was married to Jimmy Pocha another fixture of the Baawa stage.

She had an amazing voice then and hearing her live on the Telly last night I realised age had been very kind to her.

More interesting though was the reason for her being in the news. She has just recorded a song for Mumbai in the aftermath of the floods and was in Chennai to support and record for an Album to help the Tsunami Relief effort.

“Bombay Meri Hai” sung in a slightly slower tempo and accompanied by a series of video clips of the Mumbai Deluge was amazing. (Check out the visuals that accompany the "Ladies full of spice line)

At a time when the trend is to take any classic old song and screw it up by zapping up its tempo and adding some dhinchak beats to it, Usha has taken sister Uma Pochas song and surprisingly changed a dance number into a soulful ballad.

For that alone, Usha Uthup in her traditional Kanjeewaram Sari is a far more relevant and important celebrity than most of those Page 3 bimbettes clad in little scraps of toilet paper and whose contribution to the community is even less.

From a time when Talent (spelt then with a capital T) was the only thing that really mattered, and not how it was packaged. Like Sanjeev Kumar – oodles of talent served up with equally huge volumes of body fat.

Her attitude and her persona were so in your face at a time when the world was a far more genteel place that she could have been the fag icon long before the term became popular.

It’s people like her, who without making a fuss, are doing so much without any fuss, that make me proud to call myself a Mumbaikar.

Eine kliener Nactmusik

2005-12-19T05:23:00.000-08:00

That's me in the corner,
That's me in the spotlight,

Losing my religion

(I'm going to go to hell for that line... considering that the play is meant to get the kids enthused about the Zo. Faith)

Stood up on the stage at Shanmukhananda Hall today, after way too many years.

Somewhere out there is a black and white photograph of me the last time I was on - Third standard class Concert. Welcome Song. Red and white checked shirt, white short pants (about the same size as the little things that CT tends to wear these days), A bow (I distinctly remember the elasticaed bow).

Thanks Mithoo, for putting me up there again, even if I look hideous.

Perhaps more apropriate than the REM number is the one by Supertramp

The actors and jesters are here
The stage is in darkness and clear
They're raising the curtain
and no-one's quite certain
Whose play it is

How long ago, how long?
If only we had listened then
If we'd know just how right we were going to be
For we dreamed a lot
And we schemed a lot
And we tried to sing out loud
beforeore The stage fell apart...

Suddenly all those weeks of rehersals and cribs just dissapear.
The white gunk that they put on my face... Thats a whole different matter.

No, I'm not dead...

2005-12-17T05:58:00.000-08:00

Been a hectic week!

Since Wednesday I have had daily complaints that I am responsible for the intensifying depression that has been observed near a certain Marine Lines Travel Agency. (Should that read Petrol Pump or would you prefer to be called a kirana shop?)

Anyway here goes.

I hate Deadlines. Not because they force me to run against the clock but because of this stupid attitude I have of pushing things off till the last minute and then working all though the night.

I did that throughout college. I remember my final year project got typed and bound with exactly 4 hours to submission time. It’s not that I had not finished it. I was just too f-ing lazy to get around doing the shit that was required to hand it in.

Last few days have had a deadline on a daily basis. The dog show catalogue, the slides for the show on the 25th, and of course co-ordinating the Bombay stuff for the Navjote on the 24th

The gym and my social life were the usual two victims of this whole scenario.

I had promised myself that I would go off to the Gym early today morning. No such luck!

Last night on the way back from the rehearsal I got saddled with the task of preparing the programme insert for the show that has to be sent to the printers “latest by tomorrow morning”. Not an easy job considering that it involved fitting in the details of a cast of over 50 plus acknowledgments to all those who have helped with the dance, the script the audio and the video that go into the show.

Did all that over night and this morning I get a call “Viraf I completely forgot we have to add that this show is dedicated to the memory of our dear departed principal”. Great! Reformat the whole damn thing again!

Morning there was a call from the Aunt reminding me that it was a week since her daughter was married and as per custom she would be coming home for dinner and that I should join them. And by the way darling could you make that cheese mayo dip for the 30 odd guests.

Fan-bloddy-tastic

All of this was before 8:30 when the “Bhadwa from Bandra” (more on this guy later including details of how he lives of the income of his sex-slaves) called desperately “Where the fuck are you there is total chaos out here. Come immediately”

And so unshaven and pretty un-presentable I rushed off to the Gymkhana for the Dog Show.

Warning – Ad ware. Any body reading this and likes dogs check out the fantastic site that the Mumbai Canine Club has.

(End of commercial break)

A bit of explanation here. I hate dogs. This is a show where today there were about 75 dogs and tomorrow there will be over 300. To me a dog is something that has 4 legs and goes bow-wow. Beyond that all is Greek, German (shepherd) and Irish (setter). So while everybody was admiring the dogs I was concentrating on the owners. Some very nice breeds there

Start of the show all the dogs need to get certified by the vet that everything is OK with them. Part of the procedure involves checking for a weird condition where some of the pedigreed specimens tend to be a ball short.

Despite my repeated requests M has steadfastly refused to let me conduct a similar test on the dog owners.

As usual went shopping at the stalls out there. After 4 odd years it’s got to the point where the stall owners have stopped asking me what breed of dog I own. Slowly they have come to realise that buying a dog collar does not necessarily mean that you have to own a dog. M flatly refuses to accompany me on this shopping expedition (so typically heterosexual) after realizing that at times I am shameless enough to try the collars round my neck at the stall itself. Picked up an amazing disco coloured one and can’t wait to wear it to the next party.

Also picked up a birthday present – crazy doggy stuff – for the “Queen” bitch who has everything. How I am going to find time to get to Bandra tonight I really have no idea but somewhere along that’s going to have to be done if I don’t want to have another dose of “Bloddy kutti” e-mails.

And oh yes there is the rehearsal as well.

Tomorrow is going to be fun at the show. 300 dogs ranging from little Chihuahuas to Great Danes. Add to that James Bond and his mother (Page Three permeates everywhere!). Plus there is this whole bunch of kids from the colony who are threatening to bring their parents to the show and try and convince them to buy them a dog. All of them are expecting me to support them in this shenanigan.

Met this guy at the show who sold me the car last year. A delicious butt in trousers that are a couple of sizes smaller that he should be wearing. Going to have to work on that one.

Talking of cute boys, Carls uncle is (I think) a secret reader of this blog. Ever since I wrote about him he has stopped coming to the gym in the evenings. So darling if you are out there I would love to dedicate this song to you – It’s an obscure Sinbad track titled “Shut up and sleep with me”.

It’s the theme song of my life

Aazaadi...

2005-12-11T23:49:00.000-08:00

An empty house, No rehearsals this evening, the lingering afterglow of a well spent evening, Have I finally died and gone to heaven?

Suddenly I realise what so many countless Indians felt on that fateful August morning in 1947. Oh to be independent!

Tonight methinks I shall go a tad late to the gym – a certain cutie-kids uncle turns up at 7:30 and he is at this point very high on my to-do list.

Sweat, steam and (hopefully) steamed up and sweaty all over again.

Got propositioned the other day! From an absolutely unexpected corner I suddenly got an offer to get involved in some downright bitchy stuff. Felt good to see recognition of my talents and am actually pretty keen to start doing something different again. I just hope that I can do something nice with this idea and don’t go and screw it up with my normal pig headed attitude.

Life is Good!

On the downside – The countdown has begun! 14 days to the Navjote and the list of stuff that needs to be done is growing by the minute (STUFF!! Not stud. That there’s only one a.k.a. Carls uncle).

Still have not decided on what to do on New Years Eve. Very ambivalent about the GB party. I know Vikram will probably insist that the music that they play is the stuff that the majority of the guys like and want, but personally I absolutely hate NRI Punju Rape and Paap. Ditto for Kajrare without AB’s baby doing a pole dance exclusively for me.

Hey Doc. Boy. After last years party you were drifting along with an idea of two GB parties. Pretty please could you think seriously about that? One for the junta and one for the SoBo snobs like me.

What are the alternatives? Voodoos? Naah! The Club? Bigger and louder Naah! (That would be a hetero scene with the same crappy music)

Would have loved to get out of town but that’s not an option with a ‘must attend’ thing on the 30th.

The Fraud Investigator wants to get out but then is still not sure if he will be able to get an off for the day. That’s the downside of being a bachelor in a corporate structure. It is automatically assumed that no wife = no life. So why do you need to take an off on the holiday. That privilege is only for family people.

Any way I have not given up hope. The last seven odd years I have always managed to start the New Year with a bang – I’m sure that in the end this year will be no different.

What a beautiful bride...

2005-12-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

She was born on a Saturday night and I remember going to the hospital on my way back to the Hostel on a Sunday afternoon to see her long before any one else in the family did.

Changed nappies, taken her side in her fights with her brother, been there next to her when she first started driving (and was way too terrified to have her dad sit in the car with her) –

Yeah! I’ve done it all and now she’s getting married and moving away.

I remember when she first started getting involved with Kaivan. With him being based in Delhi, communication was pretty tough. So very conveniently late evening her net connection would “not be working well” and she would have no option but to come up to my place and use the net. She knew she could have the room to herself to log on to the messenger for a couple of hours without any prying eyes or inquisitive questions. That, plus the fact that I had a web-cam before she got one for her machine.

And now she moves out of my life. Leaving me behind as the only single unmarried guy in the building.

Actually that’s not quite right…

A couple of months back I have had these new neighbours, a couple that have moved in to the flat next door. I grew up living next to his mom and have known him since he was a kid coming over to visit the grand-parents.

Plus point. There’s a precious little daughter with them – all of 15 months old and already in love with ‘Eraf unkal’

So what if I can’t have the nephew with me all the time, I have the cutest little girl in my arms every morning.

It’s not the stuff that dreams are made of. But at least I’m not going to have nightmares about dying alone and un-loved.

And the circle of life continues…

Fast Cars

2005-12-08T05:25:00.000-08:00

First off let me issue a word of warning. On the internet one very often comes across guys who because they have absolutely no joy and satisfaction in their own lives chose to use the net to spread an evil and vile poison throughout the system. It is as though their inability to soar and fly into the bright blue horizons compels them to drag everyone else down to the same miserable level at which they exist.

Okay Viks and CT, you guys can stop cringing and squirming. This is not about you!

I am writing today about something that I know will bring forth a deluge of comments and insults and probably gasps of shock and amazement from a bunch of miserable low life cretin that I acknowledge as friends.

A stray comment on Guppies blog triggered this whole train of thought and just the faint hope that some of the aforementioned friends may die of shock was enough to convince me that I needed to write about something that Narayan and I share in common

Driving is my passion.

As any true blooded Bombayite would know Bawaas have just two passions in life – Their cars and Dhansak on Sunday afternoons.

As any used car dealer would confirm the “Single owner Parsi” car is the Holy Grail – pretty much the equivalent of the “little old lady who only drove the car to Church on Sundays”.

Add to that the fact that along with all of those unbeatable qualifications I also add the fact that this is a “doctor” owned car, and I often have guys beating the path to my door wanting to buy my used vehicles.

I am all of that… and more, much… much… more.

Ok I also tend to lie a hell of a lot. (why the f does Bill G want me to change lie to lay?)

I love driving. But one look at my cars and you would realise that subconsciously the cars tend to hate me. I have seen cars that are a decade old but have still managed to keep themselves in a better condition than my eighteen month old vehicle.

Every time the sis and brother-in-law come down they have that resigned expression as they ask me “Where did you get that dent”. They have pretty much given up asking the driver because they know he gets too embarrassed to point out that it is not him, but I, who is the guilty party in most cases.

To me the car is an accessory; it is the means to an end, and not the end in itself. The thrill of flooring the accelerator on the Mumbai Pune Expressway is something that surpasses the joys of mediocre sex.

Whizzing down Marine Drive at 3 am as the whole beach zips by as a blur is a mind-blowing experience.

On the other hand driving down the same stretch at 6:00 pm in the evening as one crawls from the Aquarium to H20 over 45 minutes is enough to make you want to blow your mind out (Hence the above-referenced driver).

I started driving after I left college, and I have never looked back since then. (Honestly, rear-view mirrors are only meant to make sure that your hair is in place and serve absolutely no other purpose).

And while the wheels may have increased my mobility and my sex-appeal, they have had the downside of increasing my gut size over the years. From a classic 28” waist when I left college I am now an annoyingly more substantial 38.

Heaven is an open Highway with me behind the wheels of my Beamer, U2 booming through the speakers and a cute little guy in the seat next to me nibbling my neck.

Hell is Mohamed Ali Road during Ramazan driving a dilapidated Premier Padmini stuck behind a senile old baawi in her “Dukkar Fiat” with a truck spewing fumes on to your face through the open window.

Mindless meandering

2005-12-06T18:27:00.000-08:00

There is obviously something about having to share space with four 70 year-olds that saps ones creative juices.

Started writing thrice in the last few days but never managed to get past the first paragraph.

So going to do something nasty. I'm using a post to respond to the comments on the last mail.

Viks and CT

The two of you leave me completely speechless.

I am still trying to understand what insane rebellious streak in you makes you think that it is OK to show such blatant disrespect towards your elders.

I refuse to be part of that horde that automatically blames the parents for not instilling traditional values in their kids.

No! I believe that you guys are old enough and responsible enough to be held to account for your behaviour.

The two of you are behaving like those irresponsible kids from Interior India who come to Bombay and then take out their little penknives and carve "CT loves Viks" on the walls of the Museum.

Defacing the heritage structures of this City. Vandalising beauty becuase you pale in comparison.

I expected more from you... much, much, more.

RP.

I Quite agree.

My very existence proves the case that Gods do not die. In my case ofcourse the God we are talking about would be Adonis.

The rehersals are for a kiddy community play that the Colony is doing.

Naturally I am doing the voice-over for God in the play.

On stage though I walk on role as part of the evil horde that sets out to kill the Prophet (and his mother).

I could have had a more significant role but let me just say that I refuse to sleep my way to stardom. I take pride in my histrionic talents (I'm not called a drama queen for nothing) and I will not cheapen myself by making the kind of comprmises that the Preitys and Madhuris have made to get to the top.

If I am to be a victim of the casting couch - so be it!

To be honest I gave this project my best shot. I even got dressed up and even went over to the house of the directors daughter (who happens to be the dance choreographer - Talk about nepotism) but to no avail.

Here is a snap of me dressed up in the costume of a Arab chieftan. I should have walked away with the role but, as I said, I will not shed my clothes for a few minutes of glory.

As they say in my ancient land "Inshah Allah, my time shall come".

Change...

2005-12-01T11:15:00.000-08:00

First off I need to burst a few bubbles of false hope and misdirected joy that had started creeping up within the community of readers of this blog. One online, and a couple of guys off-line, seemed to take great joy and comfort in the news of my death.

Little do these misguided fools realise that Truth, like Beauty, (both of which I posess in abundance) can never be killed. It may, for a stray moment, loose its sheen and brilliance.

As the great Mr. B (not Sasurji dahlings, but the Thakare guy) pointed out only so recently, let not these fools presume that because they stand in the shadow of the Himalayas they are as great as the Mighty One.

Anyway boys, I’m back, the party is over! Crawl back into your little shells and make way for the Master.

Lot of changes over the past few days and am still adjusting to those. Lost my freedom yesterday. As it is I had been thrown out of my room and shunted off into one corner of the office. Handled that OK. What is tough to come to terms with is sharing the house with four guests. Still getting used to the fact that when I come back home I don’t need to pull out my key and enter an empty house.

“An empty house”. The term sounds so bleak and depressing. It’s just that once you get used to that, you realise just how wonderful the whole concept is. I just can’t wait to get my freedom back.

Antisocial? Perhaps. Deterrent to the forming of a relationship? Yes, I guess. Would I want the situation to change on a permanent basis? Definitely NOT!

With house guests and rehearsals taking up a huge chunk of my time, I realised that the only way I would be able to get any gymming done would be to go to the gym at the club for this month. So suddenly I’m in a new Gym. More change! That’s what I needed? Right!!

Fortunately for me one of the trainers here used to be with Spirit earlier so the transition was not so bad. Plus I can pretty much bully the guys here to play my CD’s. Who knows I might even get to workout to Pavarotti and Friends one of these days (Those of you who have not tried it – believe me you are missing on something).

I had seen this one in the Steam room the other day and what I saw, (which was pretty much everything) I Liked – I liked A LOT.

Yesterday he walked into the gym with a little kid in his arms. My world crashed into a million microscopic particles as all and sundry went about admiring the little tyke. How could someone so desirable have a kid?

Even as I suppressed the tears that welled up in my eyes I heard the three most beautiful words that have ever been said – “It’s my nephew”.

A hundred violins burst into a symphony. My faith in God and mankind was restored and I went back to doing the hammer curls.

Checked with the trainer and found out that Cutie-Pie is extremely single and a regular gym-boy. Me thinks I might even change my timings once I get out of the rehearsal schedules.

Cutie was back again today – without Carl. I debated for a moment. Should I go up and ask him that since he had not brought along the accessory was I entitled to cootchie-coo the uncle?

Didn’t need to! Even as I did my 20 minutes on the cycle he walked past me (needlessly, I might add (but a totally needed ego massage for me)) at least four times. And before I could get off, (the bike! God what filth infested minds you guys have) he came up to me and started asking me the secret of my fantastic thighs and calves.

The upper body may look like crap. The butt may resemble the rear of a truck. The legs – they are a work of art and totally captivating. Plus I always make it a point to show them off in shorts that tend to be split all the way to the top. Always works - It’s an ice-breaker that could cause havoc in the Arctic.

The trainer came up later because even he had seen that little teaser tango earlier and asked me how I had could have so effortlessly made out that I may have a shot at “making out” at some point with cutie. I realise that this is probably something about the whole hetero community in India. Guys that Helene Keller would not have a problem identifying as Gay, these dummies would not be able to suss out.

Need to work on this one – that’s for sure. May even decide to stick with this gym a bit longer.

Who knows, maybe change is good?
Maybe I need to do it more often?

NAAAAHHH!

I think an unusually heavy lunch and the enforced celibacy is causing a chemical imbalance that is fomenting these weird thoughts.

Death of a Share Dalal

2005-11-28T09:45:00.000-08:00

Good evening Blog readers,

I am the executor of the estate of Mr. Viraf.

I regret to have to inform you that Mr. Viraf, the owner and author of this blog, passed away this evening of cardiac complications brought on by an attack of extreme shock, depression and a severe bout of retching.

He had been in a depressed state since early this morning on hearing that his "hone wale bacchon ke grand-father" had been admitted to the Escorts Hospital.

He made frantic efforts all morning to get some assistance from a friend of his who runs a Travel Agency to organise a Ticket so that he could fly immediately to be the side of love of his life in this moment of crisis.

Not recognising the trauma that Viraf was experiencing the Travel Agent callously suggested that he would have better luck chartering the balloon recently used by Mr. Singhania.

Seeing that he could not go to Delhi he decided to do the best that he could while stuck in Bombay.

Being a Zoroastrian and unaware of the rites and rituals of the Hindoo religion he contacted another friend with a request that he accompany him to a visit to Siddhi Vinayak Mandir. He knew that his lovers’ family had great faith in that deity and that prayers offered on behalf of the family at this temple would not go un-answered.

Much to his regret the friend (who has in the past gone out of his way to organise trips and pilgrimages for Muslim people to Vaishnodevi and Shirdi) begged off claiming he was too busy and subsequently even refused to accept his calls.

The situation improved marginally in the late afternoon when he got information that the abdominal pains that his father-in-law had experienced were merely gas and that he would be discharged later in the evening.

However the situation got tragically worse around 6:01 after he finished checking and reading his e-mail. His last words at the time of his gruesome death were "How could they say that about me" and "What have I done to deserve this".

While we have no evidence to support this it is suspected that the fatal blow was caused by a vile and vicious attack on his character and good taste and discretion by certain un-identified miscreants and trouble makers.

While the preliminary cause of death has been given as a fatal heart attack the authorities are investigating the possibility that this heinous crime may have been perpetrated by persons who have at various times in the past sought to tarnish his virginal reputation and unblemished character.

Mr Viraf is survived by a loving sister, brother-in-law and a nephew.

Funeral services for the deceased will be held tomorrow 29 November at 7:40 am at the Tower of Silence Kemps Corner.

The family has requested that at this time none of his friends and acquaintances attend these services since they believe that having lost the love and trust of those around him in his life it would be hypocritical of them to come and shed crocodile tears for him at this late stage.

They have requested that instead if these people genuinely feel and wish to grieve over this tragic event they merely offer a silent and simple prayer to the God they believe in and pray that in his next life he be reborn as Dipanita Sharma

Giving him the finger

2005-11-26T03:17:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot of fingering going on these last few days.

Yesterday it seems, Greg Chappell gave ‘the’ finger to the mob that was taunting him in Kolkatta.

Sad but perhaps not as disappointing as the fact that the Umpire gave a different finger to ten of our batsmen (was he also biased that he did not give the S. African a single finger sign?)

Saurav gave a royal finger to all those who questioned his selection even as all the others selected were dropping off like ninepins.

Today I hear that Mr. Sanjay Nirupam has given the ‘come hither’ finger to Raj Thackeray. I know politicians, cutting across party lines, are pretty indistinguishable but the kind of situation where at the next Congress Rally we have on the Dias, Sanjay Nirupam, Mr. Chaggan Bhujbal, Mr. Raj Thackeray and as Chief Minister Mr. Narayan Rane, is, I think, a tad scary.

Earlier in the week of course Mr Rane had pretty much given the 'Greg Chappell' style finger to Udhav (and the boot to the candidate standing against him). It was interesting to see U-man going on record to say that the finger was not meant for him alone but should be given to the whole party.

Later in the week U-man also got a very diplomatically crafted finger from Cousin Raj mailed to him via Pujya pitaaji.

Priya Dutt, expectedly, gave a two finger V-sign to all and sundry, but interestingly brother Sanjay managed to give the single digit salute to all those political pontificators, who felt that he was a liability to the sister.

Up north, in Bihar, everybody seemed to be giving the finger to everybody else. The voters gave it to Laloo (and Paswan), Nitish gave it to Laloo (and Paswan). A lot of finger pointing took place as well.

The commies and Laloo pointed fingers at Paswan, Paswan pointed a finger at Laloo (and Rabri), the Congress pointed a dainty Italian finger at Laloo (and Paswan) (ah!! the exigencies of Coalition Government. She could hardly give them the finger (Though the son had given one to Laloo a few months back)).

Expectedly everybody pointed a finger at Buta Singh and fervently looked to the Supreme Court to give him the finger.

With all this digital positioning going on I guess I could not resist getting into the act as well.

The only difference, the guy I was fingering was a WHOOOOLLEEEE lot cuter than any of the aforementioned. And another thing...

This was probably the only fingering that went on in all of last week that was pleasurable to both the giver and the receiver.

Phone Phun - Part 2

2005-11-24T02:10:00.000-08:00

Perhaps the Gods in BPOville took umbrage to my earlier blog.

Subsequent to having posted it I recieved two calls

1 From 9819209377 - Neha from HSBC offering a credit card

2 From 23742673 also from HSBC offering me a credit card.

Both of them refused to go out on a date with me as an incentive to switching over

Now I'm waiting for the Nakul and Santosh's of the world to call up. Hopefully they will succumb to my dulcet tones

Phone Fun - Making out with the BPO Boys

2005-11-24T00:45:00.000-08:00

He: Good Afternoon Sir. Can I speak to Dr. Piraj.
Me: Speaking.
He: Sir Myself Rakes, calling from Mahendra Holidays. Sir you have won a free prize of a three night stay at our new resort in JhumriTalaiya. To claim the prize Sir, You will have to come with you wife for our Presentation at Hotel Kohinoor this evening at 7:00 pm.
Me: I’m not married
He: Sir you can bring your girlfriend or fiancé also.
Me: Can I bring my boyfriend?
He: No sir this invitation is only for couples.
Me: But we are a couple. We have been staying together for the last two years.
He: No sir this is only for married couples.
Me: Oh!
He: Sir do you have any brother / sister or friends who are married and can come to the event.
Me: My boyfriend is married.
He: So Sir can he come with his wife to Hotel Kohinoor today at 7.
Me: He is not staying with that B$&*ch! I told you he is living with me.
He: But sir this is only for man and woman couples.
Me: If he comes dressed as a woman is it OK? He looks very sexy with the new wig.
He: No sir maybe you mother father can come.
Me: No. they are dead. I swear you can not make out after he puts on the makeup. With the green contacts he looks just like Ash.
He: No sir but they will find out then I will be in trouble.
Me: Please….
He: Sir I will get back to you.
Me: Promise?

Scene 2.

She: Good Morning Mr. Viraaaj. This is Sandhya from HSBC.
Me: Good Morning.
She: Sir as a priviledged customer of HSNC you have been selected for a free lifetime Gold Card.
Me: Thank you.
She: Sir at present which card you are using?
Me: ICICI.
She: Sir what is the limit on that card. We can replace with same value HSBC.
Me: So it is not a new card then is it?
She: No sir but we offer a lot of features and we also offer a 45 day interest free balance transfer facility
Me: But not a new card.
She: But sir our card had many benefits sir. Can I send our representative to fill the form and submit documents.
Me: What documents you have already pre-selected me for the card.
She: Yes sir but still we need income proof and your old Credit card statements.
Me: And what if I don’t have that.
She: No sir… but that we need no for a new card.
Me: Sorry.

Scene 3.

He: Good evening Mr. Vijay can I disturb you for three minutes?
Me: Sure with that voice you could probably keep me busy all evening.
He: Thank you sir. I am calling from Sharekhan Sir. Do you deal in shares?
Me: Yes.
He: Sir Sharekhan has a very good scheme for online trading.
He: You can do all your transactions on the internet directly sir.
Me: Yes I know. I trade with ICICI
He: Sir we can offer a very good plan sir our offer is very good. Sir can I come and we can talk about my offer with you directly.
Me: Sure. I’m just on my way to the club. Join me there for a couple of drinks and let me see how attractive you are.
He: Yes sir I will make you a very good offer. You will be fully satisfied.
Me: Great! By the way are you a top or a bottom?
He: What sir? We will give you a aboslutely top offer with bottom rates Sir. You will be totally liking what I am giving you sir.
Me: I certainly hope so. Any way we can discuss all that later when we meet. Actually forget the club why don’t you come straight to my house so we do not waste much time.
He: Certainly sir. I am very happy that you are interested. Sir I will make you also very happy.
Me: By the way will you stay on overnight?
He: What sir??
Me: I like to cuddle up afterwards. Do you like that?
He: What sir???
Me: You will satisfy me right? By the way how big are you?
He: What Sir????
Me: Any way you come over home. We will have a great night together. My wife is also not at home so it is just you and me. I also have some new gay porn that I have downloaded. It is very hot.
He: No sir. I will call you back.

AAAHHH!!!! The story of my life.
Nobody ever calls back.

Bile Break

2005-11-23T02:04:00.000-08:00

It’s one of the major drawbacks of the whole MP 3 player genre. Actually, it’s got more to do with the way the shuffle mechanism works.

Music lies on it never being played and then suddenly out of the blue the song starts out and very often triggers a whole train of thoughts and images.

Yesterday, at the gym after a very long time I suddenly got to hear the Joan Baez, Bangladesh Song. The protest Anthem from a time when I was still young, it is uncanny how relevant the song is even today.

And so the story of Bangladesh
Is an ancient one, again made fresh
By all who carry out commands
Which flow out of the laws upon which nations stand
Which say to sacrifice a people for a land.

In the thirty odd years that have passed since these words were penned how many Countries names could easily be used to substitute ‘Bangladesh’. Iran, Iraq, Yugoslavia (and all its fragments), Kashmir…

And America!

With chota Bush at the Helm, Americans today are getting involved in insane wars that should never have been started.

All the talk about Global Terrorism and establishing Democracy and the American way of life is just CRAP!

Actually the theory is not all that wrong, the selective and faulty way that Bush beta has gone about implementing it is what is wrong.

If autocracy and undemocratic Governments are to be opposed the # 1 target should be China – a country that has never seen a ‘free and fair’ election.

If opposing countries that support terrorism is the criteria why do the Americans not pick on Pakistan and Saudi Arabia?

To stand up in the pulpit and promote a jingoistic ideology is so very easy. For a man who believes that he works at the behest of God it surprises me how evil his actions are.

*Bile Break over*

I now end up at the gym with a completely redundant second MP3 player (one is on my cell phone) so for most of the guys the suspense is quite crazy. With about 1.5 GB of music between the two units, there is always a whole lot of speculation as to what I am going to croon today. And to make matters worse I can also switch on to FM (why? I can not explain except that on Sunday mornings GO plays a very good set of English ‘adult contemporary’ and classic rock).

Heard an amazing new track on GO a few days back. Elton John with 2Pac singing something titled Ghetto Gospel. When I went online to download the song I came across another song, same title, but featuring 2Pac and Akon. Considering that I am not a fan of Black Rap music I was stunned at the amazing quality of this song which surprisingly I myself listening to far more often than the Dame Elton version.

Just goes to show that a closed mindset is a sure recipe for stagnation. It is also the reason why these days in the morning rather than listen to Jaggu and Tarana, I tend to switch on to the Worldspace channels.

The nasty American Twang is extremely off-putting but on the plus side I am spared having to listen to Neal n Nikki.

Yeh paani kahaan se aataa hai...

2005-11-21T03:56:00.000-08:00

Went Bowling Sunday Evening with the boys from GB.

Considering that I had been pushing the GB group to organize this thing you would think that I excel at it and want to show off my style.

And guess what! I did. I think I managed to show the guys at Fun Republic a whole lot of new ways to throw a Gutter Ball.

As expected I was the lowest scorer of the evening - In EVERY sense of the term.

But then I did manage to score 1 strike. Which sound horribly bad when you consider that C shot more than a couple while his Boyfriend shot three in a row.

A XX(L) guy with a triple X rated Boyfriend. Something tells me if we had a MMS shoot of what goes on in that bedroom we could make some major bucks on e-Bay.

This whole boyfriend thing was actually a bit accentuated yesterday. Three couple in committed relationships- what the hell is a single guy looking for a one stand supposed to do.

I also realised that the water supply in the Andheri Area is different from the paani that the rest of Bombay gets. Honestly, how else would you explain the hunk factor at Fun Republic. The Bar side Pool room was so hot I just did not want to leave the place.

Did leave by about 9 and managed to get into town well in time to beat Cinderella’s curfew hour (Trust a fag Cindy to have a curfew of 11:30). I realise that I have only a couple of weeks of freedom before the whole extended family and their friends move in for the Navjote etc in December.

The only saving grace is that they are planning to do a whole tourist thing and so will be out of the house (and my hair - whatever little is left of it) for significant periods in between.

I am really not looking forward to this month. House guests, a wedding, a Navjote, a play that I got involuntarily drafted into. There is just way too much happening that is out of my control and I hate that feeling. Plus between the rehearsals, and a bad cold (which seems to be getting progressively worse) the gym has been pushed off AGAIN.

I HATE THAT EVEN MORE!!

Working with the kids again though is great fun. They tend to bring out that innocent little child that has always been trapped inside me. (STOP LAUGHING M you will have a stroke!!!).

The other silver lining in this whole thing is that come 31 it's going to be NEW YEARS EVE. And a Saturday. Need to make some serious plans. Who knows, Cinderella may even agree to stay the night.

Plus, come 25th evening I will finally be able to get a decent haircut. I personally favour a bald to semi bald look, but on sisters orders I have had to let the damn thing grow to the point where it is now a major annoyance. I thought I would chop it off 25 am till I realised that my darling drama director put her very dainty foot down and said NOTHING DOING. Try those stupid stunts of yours after the show.

I have realised none of these people give a damn about how hideous I look with long hair on the sides and a huge bald patch in the middle (and if any of them even for a moment think that I am going to comb my hair across it they are so out of their frigging minds). Worse still I think Sis and Mrs. Director have conspired to keep me looking this ugly in the hope that I stop sleeping around.

PS. If you guys feel that this whole blog is extremely trivial and fluff I agree. I wanted to make a statement about the whole Khusbhoo thing and also about how Laaloo will hopefully be history from tomorrow.

The thing is, four of the six committed readers of this blog pointed out that they did not like my recent Social Issue pontificating (a.K.a comments on the Pot-hole saga). One of them even had the audacity to compare me to a Drag Arundhati. That was the last straw. The last thing that I would ever want to be in my life is a Arundhati Roy. (Actually I think being Medha Patkar would be worse but this would follow as a very close second).

Pothole Census 2005 - Part II

2005-11-17T11:10:00.000-08:00

Strategy # 5.

All roads on which speed breakers had been removed were taken off the list of damaged roads. Since the removal of the speed breakers was again a decision forced on to the corporation by the Judiciary it was felt that the Judiciary must take full responsibility of the damage and condition of the road caused by their action.

By this the Corporation was firmly establishing a policy of accountability where the person or department responsible for an action also needs to take responsibility for the consequences of the act.

Strategy # 6

This one was perhaps the absolute clincher that allowed them to get the figures down by a very large number.

On a reading of the directions of the Court it was found that the Court had only asked them to ensure that the damage caused by the recent rains and monsoon was to be addressed and rectified by them before the deadline.

If they could prove that the pothole existed prior to 1st May 2005, the MCGB was not obliged to ensure its repair within the scheduled time frame. In fact it was seen that the Corporation was under no obligation to repair old potholes at all.

In fact seeing the effectiveness of this strategy the Corporation has pretty much decided to implement it as a standing instruction and at the every year they will come out with a cut off date for all road repairs.

If it can be proven that a pothole or defect in the road existed prior to the said cut off date the Municipal Corporation will not take any action to change the status of the road till such time as an alternate location has been found for the pothole and it has been shifted to that location.

Denouncing this proposal as a fraud on the people of this city Mr. Gurudas Kamath announced that he would be launching an agitation and leading a morcha to VT to insist that the cut off date be set as 1 November 2005. He also insisted that all rehabilitated potholes should be located in the same ward and that they should also be placed in the vicinity of schools, temples and other such amenities.

Having successfully fought off this attack on it by the Courts the Municipalty was now considering a strategy of retaliation and restoration of its prestige. Constitutional experts consulted by them have opined that the ruling of the court and the setting of a deadline was a gross violation of the separation of powers between the three arms of Government.

It was felt that the founding fathers of our country had laid out clear and specific duties and domains over which the various Governmental agencies had control.

By meddling in the affairs of the Municipal Corporation the Judiciary was clearly overstepping the limits laid down. The corporation plans to file a petition in the Supreme Court to seek an injunction against such actions by the High Court in Future.

Pothole Census 2005

2005-11-17T02:39:00.000-08:00

Various figures were being thrown around.

The estimates varied from 50,000 going up to over a lakh.

The illegal betting shops were doing brisk business, the favourite it seems was around 60K.

And then disaster struck!

The Municipal Corporation of Greater Mumbai reported to the Court yesterday that as of date there remained only 200 odd potholes in the City.

If ever there was a well documented case of shock and awe tactics being used to stun and kill the opposition: Here was it!!

200.

Does anyone even believe that figure? Damn it most of us go through more than that number on a normal day. And that is guys who do not even drive to work.

So how did the MCGB achieve this dramatic result that was all set to establish amchi Mumbai as the first and foremost Pothole Free city in the world.

Well now the real story can be revealed! It seems that the officers and every body involved with the municipality contributed their mite and effort to help in facing the challenge thrown to it by the courts.

They left not a single stone un-turned (or out of place) to meet the deadline set by a bunch of people who actually had no business doing this.

Here are the details of the strategy adopted by the Crack team at Mahapalika Marg to show the whole world that they could combat the most outrageous challenges thrown at it and come out smelling all roses.

Strategy # 1.
Since the court had not specified the definition of a pothole the MCGB decided to interpret the term in a manner which suited them. Hence the whole of the Andheri Saki Vihar road was classified as one giant pothole. A similar strategy was adopted on P D’mello Road.

It is to the credit of the guys at the MCGB that by a simple system they were able to reduce the job of the courts. Imagine the tedium that they would have to go though if they had gone about enumerating and listing each and every individual defect in these roads. Just listing the faults on P. D’Mello Road would have run into 10 pages.

Strategy # 2.
Burning the midnight oil the Tender Department of the MCGB made a valiant effort to dish out contracts for concretising the various roads of the city. Strict and punitive clauses were inserted to ensure that there was absolutely no delay in commencement of the work on any of the stretches specified.

By so arranging for the digging up half of Carter Road, most of Madame Cama Road, Ambedkar Road (from King Circle to Parel) and various other locations the MCGB effectively removed all evidence of the condition of the road.

No road, Ergo No pothole.

Strategy # 3. (actuall 2 B)
Contracts have also been given out for replacement of dividers and pavement slabs on various stretches of road (Everad Nagar being one). Pretty much the same logic applies here but this policy could only be used in the cases where the periphery of the road was bad and not the main section.

While effective in a few cases this policy could not be used as extensively as the planners would have wanted.

Strategy # 4.
The mandarins at Mahapalika Marg decreed that all roads that were being worked on by the various agencies not directly connected to be the MCGB would not be counted in the list.

By a single (and simple) Executive decision the whole of the Western Express, The Eastern Express and vast tracks of the main arterial roads that were being worked on by the MUTP, and other agencies fell off the radar.

If we are not working on it we can not be responsible for it.

To be concluded...