BUTT Sir, You are an A@#%*hole

It's been a long time since I posted anything on this Blog. (Long Story, coming Later). Was writing some but tended to be pretty dull and depressing stuff so either I deleted it or just saved it as a draft (hopefully never to be published)

Today though I got up feeling Good. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and no it is not a train coming to mow me down (not this time).

Spent the last few months doing pretty much nothing. No Shopping trips, No Sunday morning matinees, No Saturday night Martinis, NOTHING.

Watched a lot of TV in the interim. and picked up a line from the Serial Crumbs, which I thought so perfectly described the last few months and could just as appropriately be the Title of this chapter of my Biography - From Hell to Well.

Realised that when you challenge the Gods they will exact revenge. Got to see the pits of Hell and trust me, they ain't pretty.

Anyway this is a Happy post and so no more talk of hell. It's the start of a brand new week and the end of my purgatory. I'm ready to move on.

A friend recently mentioned that he had managed to loose weight by going on a diet with one very simple rule.

STOP EATING!

(Honest!! I kid you not)

I can never see myself willingly going anywhere close to that, BUT...

What! you thought there would not be a BUT?

Darling there is ALWAYS a BUT! (And in my case a pretty BIG BUTT).

But any way, enough talk about Buts (at least for the moment (There is a HUGE MAIL exclusively devoted to my BUT, but that is later))

So ass I was saying before I was rudely interrupted (by me) I have been told to go an a completely liquid diet for a week starting today.

And already the withdrawal symptoms are being felt. All of a sudden I am fixated on a bunch of old songs that refuse to go out of my mind.

Here's a sampler of the stuff that's swirling around in my Soya milk infested brain.

I'm gonna wash that FAT right out of my name, I'm gonna wash that crap right out of my face, and send it on its way.

And this one which somehow I feel is going to be my new caller tune (for reasons that may not yet be clear to all the readers of the blog, but as I said await the Butt mail)

REUNITED and it feels SOOO Good.

More next week once after I get back home

My Name is Viraf

And I am Going to Go to HELL!

Personally I have never been too curious about my name. I know that the proper Baawa name is ArdaViraf and is somehow linked to the scriptures as a Holy and Pious man was enough for me.

I mean it was the perfect choice for me right? - RIGHT!

On a lazy Tuesday evening ans since I have been getting calls from people asking me why I have abandoned this blog I decided to do a bit of research and what I came up with is startling and upsetting.

AV (Hello I said it is a Lazy Tuesday so don't expect me to give that whole ArdaViraf crap all the time OK!) it seems was a Persian The most pious of his tribe who was sent by his people to Journey the Heavens (and Hell as it seems) and bring back a report on what lay in store for us in the after-life.

These guys were smart, you have to give it to them. None of that Tower of Babel thing for them. These guys were going to get to Heaven using Zoromail (which has subsequently been taken over by and merged with Duetsche Post).

He obviously saw the Heavens and Hell and the land of Purgatory, and it happens the guides (angels and high ups in the Celestial hierarchy) explained why each of the groups were living their time out in the manner they were.

Will not bore you with the whole litany of who gets what let me just give you a translation of the important part.


CHAPTER 19.

I came to a place, and I saw the soul of a man, through the fundament of which soul, as it were a snake, like a beam, went in, and came forth out of the mouth; and many other snakes ever seized all the limbs.

And I inquired of Srosh the pious, and Adar the angel, thus: 'What sin was committed by this body, whose soul suffers so severe a punishment?'

Srosh the pious, and Adar the angel, said thus: 'This is the soul of that wicked man, who, in the world, committed sodomy, and allowed a man to come on his body; now the soul suffers so severe a punishment.'

The Story of my life. I take a long all expense paid First Class trip across the Celestial rainbow and the first guy I come across in Hell is

ME!

Yeah, I'm depressed, how did you guess?

It's times like this when I start wondering if with my receding hairline I am also losing my ability to comprehend English.

Tons of trees have gotten (I know that is not a word but then it should be) felled this week talking about Ms. Shetty. When the Prime Ministers and Senior Cabinet ministers of one and a half countries, take time off to talk about a dumb third rate startlet on an even dumber reality show you know you have arrived.

What amazes me is the whole hype in India about how the "Thinking" media in the west is on the side of our dear Sister Shilpa.

Specifically they refer to an article in the Guardian by the "renowned" Aussie Women's right advocate and feminist Germaine Greer who everybody 'claims has come out strongly in her favour.

I chanced upon the article and that is what made me doubt my grades in English 101. The way I read it I got the distinct impression the Ms. Geer was keeping herself one syllable short of calling Ms. Shetty a manipulative little witch who is ready to push all the buttons that are needed to win the show.

Reading about her latest little "Lage Raho Munnabai" act only reinforces my firm belief that rather than being distraught by all the abuse Ms. Shetty seems to be setting herself up to be the triumphant little starlet who will do whatever it takes to win.

I wish we could give Rahul and the Boys in Blue a shot of what she is having. They desperately need it.

Even though she may not have emerged victorious and though she may not yet even be aware of it Ms. Shetty has already won one great battle right here in India.

Considering how with such ease and style our little Karate Kid has chopped Ms. Rai and my ex off the front pages of all the papers.

Short of a sudden break-off in the engagement (Hey, I can think positive, happy thoughts you know, and besides he has done it once before already) there is little that can get her the headlines right now